Fun fact: I never have to turn in another homework assignment ever. College is over.
"I don't think so, Mitch. It wasn't enough with Scott."
Okay, fair. They both loved each other, and look where that landed them. "It wasn't enough for Scott, but it's enough for me. I mean, I'm not saying that all you need is love, but it's enough that I'm willing to put in the effort."
"But you're not putting in any effort. You can't just say it's okay. That doesn't make it better."
Hold up. I'm not letting that fly. "Care to rephrase that a little less offensively?" I prompt, arching a critical eyebrow.
"Sorry. It's not okay, that's all. You shouldn't be okay with it."
"Better." I truly do make an effort. That's what I'm doing right now.
He sighs and lets his head fall into his hands, resting his eyes against his palms without deference to his injury. "I can't believe how patient you are. I can't believe you're even talking to me."
"Babe, I love you."
"You should at least be mad. Do you not see what a mess I am? I fell for you when I was still in love with Scott. What you should be getting from that is that I'm a terrible boyfriend and you deserve better. And apparently Scott had depression? So I'm an even worse boyfriend. I actually told him to 'quit being a wretched lump of misery.' I don't think 'terrible boyfriend' even covers that. No, at this point, I'm just a terrible person. I was always the one starting our fights, and he was always trying to avoid them, but he wasn't treating you right, and I was all self-righteous about it. He wasn't treating me right either, though, and I was probably just being selfish, guilt tripping him over you because it would bother him more than with me." No, no, no. All the no. "We haven't even gotten to the part where he tells me his greatest insecurity and I use it against him, the part where I tell him I cheated just to spite him. And then there's the part where I find out he believes it and I don't say anything to him until I have to. I might never have if it weren't for you. Do you even understand what it means to be truly angry? Or do you just let it go no matter what? He didn't love me anymore. I had to get it off my conscience before I could take you out, though, so I told him, but I never told you because I was embarrassed and ashamed because—and this is the best part—I dragged you into it when you were completely innocent."
"That's a good summary. You're telling me I should be angry? I am, Alex, but it's not fixing any of that. Were you hoping for a timeout or something? Maybe lines on a chalkboard? If it'll make you feel better, knock yourself out. 'I must not tell lies,' 100 times, in your neatest handwriting. Were you hoping I'd leave you?"
"No!"
"Forget the lines. I have a better idea. I want you to write a letter to Scott to apologize for lying to him, calling him worthless, and anything else that's weighing you down." That might actually help unload Alex's conscience a little. "After that, if it seems like it'll help, you can write one to me too."
"I don't think he wants my apology. He hates me."
"And you hate him, but you still owe it to him."
"You just told me I loved him!"
"Emotions don't really cancel each other out the way you'd expect." You mix red and blue to get purple, but when you mix love and hate, you get love, hate, and frustration.
"I want to love you, not him."
"That's a gross oversimplification. You do love me. How you feel about him doesn't take away from that. You don't have to avoid it."
"You don't mean that."
"It's not like I'm telling you to ask him out." Scomilex isn't something I even like to think about. No thank you. Alex is mine and mine alone, and I belong with no one but him. "I don't want you to change anything, I just want you to be honest with yourself. Just think about what he means to you. It'll be good for you."
"I shouldn't."
"You really should."
"Thinking about you didn't do anything good for my last relationship. I was so invested. I was just waiting for the right moment. I knew it wasn't going great, but when the band broke up, I thought he would finally have time for me again."
"The right moment?"
"It never came. I never got to propose." Maybe this is why Alex and I haven't talked at all about marriage yet. "Which is good, obviously, because I'm with you now, but he hates me. He used to love me so much. More than you do."
"Alex-"
"You get closer and closer over time, and he dives in all at once. There's nothing wrong with it. It's just, I saw him, and I realized he stopped loving me a long time ago, even before Pentatonix was over." Maybe he's right about that. "Yet I still dream about him. How is that fair?"
"It's normal to dwell on things that are unresolved."
"I just want to be past all this."
"We'll get there," I promise.
"How?"
"He's better. There's hope. I'll keep working on him."
"What if he tries to take you from me?"
"I make my own decisions. Don't be afraid."
"I might as well ask you not to be beautiful. I can't help it."
"I could be there right now, but I'm here."
"Stay. Forget about him."
"No."
"I'm serious. We're better off without him. Just think about it, okay?"
"No."
"I'm not saying it'll be easy. I don't know how else we can move on, though."
"I will talk to and visit Scott whenever I please, and you will deal with it because I need him."
