Dedicated to kelsung for making me imagine life after Superfruit. ;_; And for being an amazing author.
Alex thinks the song is about him, but he's still more worried about me. He picks me up and drives me straight home, and for once I don't try to argue that I can't skip the gym. I'm in no fit state to be in public. Silent tears are streaming down my face and I'm clenching my fists, trying to calm myself enough to speak without sobbing.
Alex is mad, absolutely furious, that Scott keeps doing this. Telling him that it's actually me Scott's targeting in this particular song would only make him angrier, and I'm not sure I want to explain how I left Scott. I don't want Alex to see me have a total meltdown. The part of me that wants to hide from him, though, needs to die. Its not good for us. It should be long gone by now, shouldn't it? I've been fighting it so hard. I'm capable of honesty, and I want Alex to be able to expect it from me. I just wish it came naturally. Maybe I act too much. Maybe it's made lying second nature. Or maybe Alex and I just aren't on the same page. Why is it so much work to be open with him? He's open with me, right?
Oh.
I've been trying to ignore what he said. I don't know what to make of it. All I know is that there's no way for a conversation between Scott and Alex to end well.
He hugs me and I hold him when we step inside, and I concentrate on his familiar, mellow scent until I'm sure I'm ready to speak. I talk into his shoulder, unprepared to release him, and I tell him everything that happened the night I came to him at 3:00 AM, the night I left Scott in the hospital. I explain the lyrics of the song and the sign language. Alex just holds me tighter, tighter than most people are even capable of hugging. His voice is heavy when he speaks. "You don't deserve this."
"What if it never stops?" I choke on the thought. "What if I broke him too badly and he never gets better?" What if he keeps holding me back? What if he won't ever let me fully recover? What if I'm never as happy again as I was with him in my life?
Of course I'll never be that happy again. I had it all. I had a job doing what I loved with my four best friends. I had fans all over the world. I can't honestly expect to maintain that, can I? I still have a job I love. I still have fans all over the world. I have a boyfriend now. I have new friends, sort of.
It's not the same.
I'll make it, though. My counseling starts on Saturday, and I need it now more than ever.
"You didn't break Scott," Alex sighs. "He broke himself. He broke himself, and it broke us." Alex understood what was happening. Even before he left Scott, he told me I had to go. He saw how bad it was getting, and he wanted to protect me. "It was more than that, though. He was attacking us." He closed himself off, and whenever I tried to break through, he fought me. I think Scott wanted to shield me from what he was feeling. I can only imagine how Pentatonix ending affected him. He wouldn't confide in me, though, because he knew I was hurting too. It's not as simple as Alex is trying to make it sound. He knows that, though. He was there.
"You tried to get me to leave. I thought I could make him better, but you knew, didn't you?"
"I was scared for you. I loved you then, you know. I had loved you for a long time, longer than I'll ever admit. When I left Scott, Mitch, I tore him to pieces. He broke himself, but I crushed him."
"You had to go. It's not your fault."
"I couldn't stay, but I couldn't just leave you with him. So I destroyed him. He would barely have cared that I left if I just left quietly, but I didn't. I had to go, but I didn't have to say any of the things I said to him. You know what a mess he was. You know how easy it was to hurt him."
I step back and look up at Alex. He loved Scott. He couldn't really have hurt him. He's wrong. Scott got worse after Alex left, but it was because Scott loved him back and felt horrible without him, not just because of whatever Alex said.
"I'm sorry," Alex says, shaking his head. "You don't need this right now. You just need to know it's not your fault that Scott is like this. Even at his worst, you only ever tried to help him. You were good to him. I'm gonna give you some space, okay? I've got too many opinions. I'll be back late. Call me for anything. There's Ben & Jerry's in the freezer for you."
He hugs me again and wipes away my tears before he goes, knowing full well they'll be back again soon. I eat a whole pint of Chocolate Therapy while looping a low quality fan-uploaded copy of the video. "I'm weeping," I tweet.
"You're late," replies Scott. He replied! I wasn't even tweeting directly at him. "It dropped this morning. Unless you're /still/ weeping. I know I am."
+ Actual. Tears.
> Oh, 🍓, I'm so sorry, I thought you were talking about the single. I'm sorry. What's the matter?
+ Haha, no, it is about the single, I'm just really emotional over it. I really am crying and I can't stop.
+ Can you imagine how Alex must feel right now?
> Alex? I assumed it was about Mitch.
+ Haha, you would, wouldn't you, Scomiche22.
+ It makes sense either way, I guess.
I've spent enough time as @mitchellover to know what she'd say in this situation.
> Okay, fine, I'm Scömìche trash. I miss Superfruit.
+ Platonic or romantic?
> It's all the same with them. Have you seen the way Scott looks at Mitch? He's so in love.
+ Can you even imagine how Mitch feels about Scott's songs?
> He probably doesn't listen to them. As much as it breaks my heart to say it, he's way over Scott.
I listen to them. I know them by heart. I'm not even a little bit over Scott.
+ I doubt it. Scott's certainly not over Mitch, if you're right about the song being about him.
> All the more reason for Mitch to be sick of him. He has Alex. He's fine.
+ It can't be easy, though, hearing Scott pour his heart out after being best friends so long.
+ If we miss Scömìche, think how much they must.
+ I'm going to go watch Superfruit and cry more. I miss that show somaj.
> I'd sell my soul for one more episode.
+ Let's ask them. Hey, @scotthoying and @mitchgrassi, will you film another Superfruit?
> I can't believe you tagged them! What if they see this conversation?
+ Let them. Maybe they'll start speaking again.
I sigh and dial Scott's phone number. He doesn't pick up.
