Guess who's moving to San Francisco! Anyone renting out a studio apartment in a good neighborhood?
"Hello, you've reached Little Caesar's Pizzeria. What can I get for you?"
That's my passive-but-not-very-aggressive way of telling Alex he's got the wrong number. He shouldn't be calling me. I'm single and free to talk to exes as I please, but if Alex still harbors feelings for me while dating Jake, he needs to be careful. And he is. There was a time when he'd have asked for a hot-and-ready actor with pepperoni, and I'd have demanded five dollars in return, and he'd have gallantly refused to put a price on me, and I'd have teased that he thought I wasn't worth the $5, and he'd have told me I was priceless. Now he just says, "Hi, Mitch."
"What's on your mind?" There must be something. He called, after all. It's not something easy to say, though, or he'd have started already.
"You're amazing."
"Thanks?"
"Everyone loves you. You're hot, funny, smart, considerate, and really the most caring person I know."
"Where is this going?" Has he changed his mind? Has he realized how stupid he was? You don't just leave the person you love more than anyone. Not if you don't have to...
"I just want you to know that about yourself. People would line up for miles just to get to know you. Great people."
"What do you want?"
"Nothing! I just want you to know how incredible you are."
"Right. Okay. Um, thanks."
I'm about ready to put the awkward silence out of its misery by wishing him well and hanging up when he speaks up. "I saw you were at Scott's house."
"Yes." I was, and there's nothing wrong with it, and there's no need to defend myself.
"You don't have to go back." I kind of do. There's no point in explaining that to Alex, though. I'm silent. "You can find someone so much better. I don't want you to think that just because... There's still... he's not your only option."
"If I didn't know you better, I'd say you're being a touch childish."
"What?"
"You're the one who left me. But now that you see me with Scott..."
"No!"
"Spell it out for me, because right now, it sounds like you want me back for no other reason than to take me from Scott, which would be ridiculous, since, first of all, we aren't even dating yet, and—"
"Yet?"
I want to, but maybe part of that is because I was worried he wouldn't want to be just friends. Online, he seemed really worried it wouldn't work, but in person, he's trying. He certainly doesn't expect me to feel the same way he does. And then there's Esther, of course. If she says it's not safe, it's probably wise to give it time, at the very least. "Or maybe ever, but—and this brings me to the second point—maybe you shouldn't have dumped me in the first place if you didn't want me to have that liberty. Third—"
"Stop. I'm not single."
"Jake still? Yeah, he's third."
"He's first, actually." Not by my count. But if Alex is serious about Jake, if they're still together, then he's not trying to get me back. That leaves me at square one, with no idea why he's calling. "I am not asking anything from you," Alex enunciates. "Clear?"
"Clear. But what's gotten into you?"
"You were with Scott, and I just worried I said something or did something—I mean, I left—that made you feel any less precious than you really are. I know you want to have someone who will always treasure you." I want to have him. I promised to try to get over him, and I've started to, but when I think about the future, it's still Alex I imagine holding my hand and calling me precious, even at my death bed. "And Scott, well, I was surprised he even spoke to you."
So he's worried about me. He thinks I'm only talking to Scott because the breakup destroyed my self-esteem. Being dumped certainly didn't make me feel great about myself, but it's not like Alex left me because he thought I was awful, and it's not like I'm so fragile I can't live without him. I lived without Scott.
"I think I get where you're coming from." He's doing better than most, trying to put himself in my shoes. It's a good effort, but it's not really a sophisticated enough form of empathy for our circumstances. Maybe he's imagining what he would feel in my situation, but he and I are very different people, and what I'm feeling is totally different from what he would feel. "You don't have to worry. I'm as self-assured as ever, and as much as I wish you hadn't left, you were gentle, and I'm okay. But thanks for your concern, and for checking in on me. And thanks for writing to Scott. I didn't read it, but it seems to have put him in a place where he was finally almost ready to believe me."
"He looked at it?"
"It's at his bedside, with a ring. Alex, he believes me!"
"His bedside."
Oh, come on. "It's not like that, and it's not like you have any right to judge anyway. The important thing is that Scott doesn't think we cheated anymore."
"Better late than never, I guess."
"What did you write?"
"A lot of apologies, and few explanations, but it's honestly mostly about you."
"Me?"
"You can read it if you want. I just thought he should know what it was like for you. I hope you don't mind. It makes me so mad that he could act like you could hurt him, or anyone, like that, when really it was him hurting you. But I didn't think he'd listen, or even read it. Maybe the ring caught his attention. I didn't really know what to do with it when I realized I'd never get to ask him... How long do you think he was just pretending? He was always away. He didn't have to think about me much, didn't have to fake it often. It must have been easy for him."
I feel like I'm understanding more and more about Alex now that we're apart, now that I'm not in any kind of position to comfort him anymore. I just hope Jake will. "I'm sorry. It's better this way, though, right? Jake loves you."
"I think so."
"He doesn't exactly hide it. Give him a chance."
"I am."
"A real chance. Tell him things. Listen to him." He'll treasure Alex in a way I might never have learned to, the way Alex treasured me. They deserve that. And the two of them, they fit better than Alex and I did. I just miss him. "Take care."
"Take care." I can tell he means it. I wish I knew how.
+ Help.
