Dearest, Heartbreaker.

||twenty-first letter||

Dearest,

Ryder.

I didn't think you'd come today to school.

In fact I thought maybe you

would've been absent for a whole week,

but you proved today

that I was mistaken.

I tried to keep my distance from you

by not writing you letters,

I was trying to give you space.

I guess you can tell that I failed, huh?

At Least I didn't write yesterday...

that has to count for something, no?

Or maybe I'm just getting good at this

"being ignored by the world" thing,

and I've just turned into a bitter

old hag because the one boy

I loved didn't say he loved me back?

who knows...that last option could be it.

I realized today when I saw you in school

just how much I missed

seeing you out and about.

Despite the fact that today you

were the epitome of insomnia.

I couldn't help but feel

like that was my fault.

And I'm so sorry.

If only you just would let me

get close enough to you

to apologize in person.

But you just don't.

And I've tried Ryder.

You know I tried today.

I sat next to the table were you normally sit at

and despite Ana and her daggers I stayed there,

listening to your conversation.

I could tell you were trying

really hard to not talk

but Ana was making you,

despite you giving one-word answers to her.

I could tell that it was my fault,

because you didn't want to me to hear.

So when Tanya asked you

what had happened to make you

look and feel so shitty,

you didn't know what to do.

And neither did Ana,

which led me to believe that

she knew the story word by word

and detail by detail.

That's why she hated me so much.

Hell, I hated myself.

And I tried to say how sorry I was

in that instant,

but when I opened my mouth to speak

you turned your head to me,

stared,

and then abruptly stood up

from your spot and left me there.

Still looking at where you used to sit.

I felt like shit in that moment.

The purple bags under your eyes

did NOT go unnoticed by anyone.

And they were a huge distraction

from the freckles that adorn your cheeks.

But in a way,

I guess I deserved that.

It was valid.

But I apologized Ryder,

I might've not done it in person

but that doesn't mean

I didn't mean all of my apologies.

And yes I messed up,

I ruined everything!

But I can't do anything else

but apologize and I've done that already.

Dozens of times.

All I ask is that you forgive me

and I understand if you want

nothing to do with me after

but at least hear me out in person.

We were doing so good,

for God sakes!

Can't you see this is what

Tyler wants.

This is what he wanted

from the very start!

Don't let him win.

-me