All In My Head

Next To Me

I wake up to the rays of the sun soaking my essence.

'Hey.' My stone heart turns into cotton candy.

'Hi.' Sometimes just a word can reassure you that everything will be okay. Not to be so hard on myself any more.

'So where are we going today?' He asks with a devilish half smile. The cotton candy is melting.

'College?'

'And go back to them? You've been through hell and back in the past couple of weeks. I'm starting to think that I'm the problem. You need some time to heal. So I'm gonna make it up to you. Where do you want to go?'

'Ocean.'

My demand hung in the air till we got in the car. He took my hand and drove the whole way until we got there. He finally let go and rushed round to open my door for me.

Sometimes memory tricks you. Sometimes beauty is best when it's distant. But even from here, I know the reality of this place is going to match my memory.

The skyline gradually fades to form an in-escapable wall enclosing me, securing me into my own little tranquil bubble. It is so easy to lose myself here. The waves crashed at my soles, creating a rhythm that keeps me in time, yet allows me to lose track of it.

I let myself soak up the rays of the halo above; it kissed me with its golden glow. While I bathed in the heat, it uplifted my scars and mended my broken heart instantaneously – without me even having to pick up the pieces;

I just had to let go.

It was so easy once you had it but was so hard to find. So how could I let it go? My mind raced while I remained stationary. It's almost as if I could do anything. This is the part when I break free. I simply just can't resist it any more.

So I run.

I run until I can't any more and then just float. As if all my worries were sinking while I healed on the surface. The cool blue wrapped around me. Wounds heal and tears dry and the cracks won't show. I had to lie to myself to get through this. That wouldn't be much different to what I've been doing up until now. This was my saving grace. This was the memory I would hold on to when I was hurting. Of course I'm not made out of steel, but I was wearing paper thin. It was as if this sanctuary allowed me to repent my sins. Everything I had ever done wrong – every person I had ever hurt – I'm forgiven on their behalf. I've finally found a way out of the clouds and rain.

I have found my way into contentment.

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I'm a mess.

I wake up inside out or outside in. My life was forming a whirlwind, causing tsunami tides in my eyes. It all came down to him. It always came down to him. How could I ever forget that he'd always be the inevitable obstacle till demise?

I am searching for light in this illuminated room.

I am searching for the answer to this invincible riddle.

*Flashback to day before*

The horizon morphs from blue into a soothing orange. Is this it? Living with Ethan from now? But we don't even know each other that well. I pushed the clouds away to enjoy the rays of the calming orange. Whatever storm is approaching could wait; this moment was faultless.

The weather is unpredictable.

I sit vacantly on the board walk, with my head resting on Ethan's shoulder. It's funny how our hands fit perfectly together. Although I was pulled away from his grasp by the eerie onlooker's gaze, I remained in physical contact with Ethan. The stare of the mysterious yet somehow familiar figure transmitted waves of metaphoric communication. It's like when you observe your life in a stranger's face and realise it's your own reflection gaping back at you. Seeing this man hurts me for some reason. I don't know why. If knowledge is power, I'm trembling wearily on the edge. I am becoming increasingly shallow, as the cause of my pain was him knowing something I didn't.

The worst thing for me to do would be to stare back – a clear invitation for unwanted vocal expression. How could I resist the temptation to fill the gap in my awareness? Meeting his eyes triggered something. Something. Identifying my feelings was something I hadn't learnt yet, let alone controlling their consequences. If your shadow could mirror your desires, his was already sitting beside me.

He began to approach me.

'Amelia Loren?'

'Can I help you?' Ethan asks, noticing my inability to form reverberation.

'Who the hell are you? And why are you touching my daughter like that? Jeez, kids can be such imbeciles.'

Knowledge kicks in and restores my defensive mechanisms.

'Excuse me? First of all, my father is dead to me and has been since he left. Also, don't talk to my boyfriend like that.'

While my immortal father shuffles around, I study Ethan's emerging dimples. When he notices what I am looking at, he bites his lip to attempt to mask his unbreakable smile. I had given him the right title.

'Look. I know I left a long time ago but please come back. I know I've made several mistakes but I can't do this please just...' his eyes plead at me with desperation.

'Why now? Why 7 years later? I believe in second chances, sure but I've forgiven you way too many times. It's too late now to say sorry.'

His silence hangs in the air and encourages me to go on.

'I could build a castle out of all the bricks you have thrown at me. Salt in the wound and you are laughing right at me'

'So I've hurt you?'

I shot him a look. 'I've still got scars in my back from your knives - so don't think it's in the past. Band Aids don't heal these scars.'

'Well when you say it like that...'

'When I say it like that it sounds more like the truth than anything else. The truth tastes bitter and your conscience burns like salt, right? Take time and erase you, love don't hear no more,
but I don't fear no more, better yet respect ain't quite sincere no more.'

'Disrespectful just like her mother.' He mumbles under his breath.

'Excuse me? My mother is the sole reason for my upbringing. She has given me independence, yet modesty, kindness, yet fierceness. She has never let me or Matt feel your absence. The most important value she has given us, something you will never be able to offer us is humanity. Humanity that strengthens our bond makes us unassailable.'

This had truth in it, but not entirely. I had been unreasonable with my mother. I had hurt her. I need to prove to my dad that we can go on without him. Prove to him that we are stronger than him.

I had to apologise.