All In My Head

Love Yourself

We pull up at Starbucks and take a seat on one of the tables. I was so anxious to see Sabrina. I think about what I'm going to say to her and think about what she has to say to me. It feels entirely dangerous to tell her the truth. But it would be equally toxic to lie if she already knows the truth. Then I'd just be a liar.

Besides, none of the lies fit well. And the more I am stumbling through possible lies, I realise I am heading in the same direction of telling her everything. I'm learning that life isn't real unless someone knows its reality.

I want my life to be real.

If I've gotten used to my life being a dark and scary world full of lies and misconceptions, could somebody else? If she believes in me, feels the enormity that I do, she will believe in me. And if she doesn't then I will seem like one more crazy person let loose in the world.

There's not much to lose in that.

But of course there is losing everything. Once again. And again.

Ethan says he is going to order a drink for me and that I should probably wait in case Sabrina turns up and thinks we didn't. I order a spiced pumpkin chai latte.

I scroll through my phone when a heavily perfumed figure takes a seat beside me. Then a smaller, shadier figure plops down beside it.

I look up slowly, cautious and wary of my surroundings. I was trying to think of ways that this might be a potential threat to me. This is precisely why I am so easily led on. Because I am afraid.

Melody and Ariana. Great. Just great.

'What do you want?' I snap while darting my eyes at them.

'Well actually, more like what do you want?' Melody started everything off. She's always had the first and last say. Nothing has changed and yet everything has changed.

'It's actually pretty lame that you're trying to get with Ethan. I mean I saw you all over him at Nando's. And pretending to be drunk? That's so sad'

'So sad', Ariana chimes in. Melody glares at her and almost instantaneously she drops the eye contact to stare at her palms.

Nothing has changed.

'I mean it was really cringe and really sad to see that you were so desperate. Well, I can understand that you always want the spotlight, I mean, that's how you were when you were friends with us. And the way you could never take a joke. Honestly, I'm SO GLAD we're through because the fact that you're too soft actually makes me sick of your presence. Like get a grip, because we always used to argue over that and you just never understood what true friendship was which is why you're so clingy with Ethan. Seriously, I insult Ariana all the time and she never says anything. I always gave you the opportunity to say something back to me but you never did because, let's face it, you never had anything to say. I know that you're used to being the centre of attention but the thing is, it's really worrying. Like, dude, E just told me that he thought it was sad and weird.'

I know what she was trying to do. Nothing has changed.

'What I'm trying to say', she continues, 'is that it's not okay to act like that. I mean other people would be afraid to say it to your face but I just....can. Ha. Ha. He. Do you get that we are doing this to be nice? We wanted to do the right thing, for your sake -'

'You wanna do the right thing? Go fuck yourself. Yeah? Because if you like the way you look that much then maybe you should go and fuck yourself.'

Sabrina was just so legit. That was the thing about her. The essence of her was good. She didn't really know anything other than to be nice (apart from when she got really pissed off). She casted me out of the shadows like there had only ever been light. We were beginning to feel like we belong. Whatever the gene most people are born with that gives you the ability to be mean, Sabrina just didn't have it.

And then when she sat down opposite me it was like a slap so fierce, it taught me never to dream again, to remain on the borderline of light and dark; of good and bad; of happiness and the slippery slope also known as depression.

What was she going to say? I honestly had no idea. But I sure damn well knew that I had to pay a hell of a lot of attention.

I knew everything was about to change, and I fear that one day I will long for this minute before anything is said, that I will want to travel back in time and undo what's coming next. But it's too late.

Our eyes lock. She squints. I sit up straight.