All In My Head

Anyway

'MUM!' I shriek and I feel Ethan's arms escape my back. I take this as a gesture to jump out of his clasp. 'It's like everyone is so self-centred that they are blinded with the inability to have the courtesy of knocking.' I huff and roll my eyes.

My mother does nothing but looks me up and down, roll her eyes and kiss her teeth. Yup, I definitely inherited my attitude from her.

'Where the hell do you think you're going?'

'A strip club.' My blood was boiling at her very sight.

I definitely inherited my sarcasm from her too. I can't remember if dad was sarcastic or not.

'Well, you're grounded. So if you're under a misconception that I'm letting you out of this house, let me clear it up for you; you're not leaving.'

'Excuse me?' I actually couldn't process the words that were leaving her mouth. She never spoke to me like this before; we were like best friends.

'Don't even think about leaving.'

'What? Mother, kindly leave the premises. And besides, I'm 18 years old – I can do pretty much what and ever I want.'

'You have to stay at home.'

'For what reason? What am I going to gain by remaining here? Home is meant to be a sanctuary but seems like a bloody prison cell to me.' My face was burning.

'THEN WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE?'

I lost it at this point.

'Fine. Maybe I will.'

I grab Ethan's hand and storm out the house, slamming the door as hard as possible – for effect.

Leaving feels good and pure only when you leave something important; something that mattered to you; pulling life out by the roots but you can't do that unless your life has grown roots. But then again I had no time. The twisted way of living known as time can pierce your soul and at the same time, leave you craving the pain. Just like a moth drawn to a flame, time lures you in and you can't sense the pain and leaves you shattered into a million pieces. Lying on the cold hard ground. But what was I meant to do? After all, I am trapped in its spiralling perpetual journey.

I angrily turn my keys in the ignition and realise that I had run out of diesel. Shit. Could anything get worse abut today? Clearly not, when I finally realised that Ethan had just witnessed my breakdown.

What does he now think of me? A disrespectful, egoistic freak? That actually seems like a compliment considering everyone else in my life has pretty much at least one reason to hate me. I'm like a hatred magnet. Can I just not mess things up once? I'm such a douche, everything just always HAS to go wrong. Perfect sure is over rated but normal or at least okay would have been just fine. But you know what? I'm not letting it get to me. I'm going to live my life the way I want. This is the only Amelia that I know how to be, I'm sorry if that don't fit their reality. I gave them one hundred percent of me – so take it or leave it babe, I'm not going to change if you don't understand I don't need you anyway.

I'M SO PEEVED. UGH. I run out the car, slam the door and run. Anywhere. Just not here. Even if I had to run into oblivion right now, I would. Eventually, I had to stop about 4 streets from my house; in the alleyway. I swallow my salty tears and collapse onto the ground and lean against the graffiti wall. My breathing was raspy. I actually couldn't breathe. The walls were slowly closing in on me when I heard muffled footsteps approaching me.

Ethan slumps down to the ground beside me.

'I'm so sorry', he breathes into my neck.

Part of me was scared. This is the kind of fear that cannot be addressed by breathing exercises. This fear bears no analogy. To any fear I knew before. The basest of all emotions – built on guilt and regret. The kind that pierces your soul in the depths of your despair. What have I done? Time and time again, I face this situation. The people that were the closest to me escape my grasp and leave me. The only consistent figure who is always there for me is Ethan. But is he more understanding than my friends and family? I mean, I don't know him that well. Then how does he see through my eyes like open doors? Every time, like an angel, just breathing me back to life. Am I doing the wrong thing? This phrase stings me as I realise how many times I've asked myself that question. Was that a bad sign? I mean the stars seemed to align for us insistently. We didn't know much about each other but it just seemed meant to be. How could this be wrong? He looks so much like an angel when he smiled back at you. How could he be leading me to do the wrong thing? He got me looped and wired into his bittersweet ecstasy. But I don't mind. It makes me feel like I'm out of my mind – but it's alright. After all if I am delusional then maybe I'm crazy. Crazy in love with him.

'It's not your fault. It's my own really.' I sigh and rest my head on his shoulder as I realise that I am thinking out loud. 'Shit!' I leap up and start running. Ethan chases after me and grips my hand in his when he finally catches up. We stopped on sixth street, panting and out of breath. We stopped for a moment and I leant on the lamp post.

'What is going on here?' He asks after short, quick breaths between each syllable.

'Sabrina remember?' I raise my eyebrows at him.

'Erm, car has run out of fuel remember?' He motions to my car at the top of the road.

'How did we get home last night? Well, it was probably your car...-'

'Want a ride?' he offers with that gentle smile making my heart pace a whole lot faster all over again.

I'd forgotten how much I liked him. How much I LOVED him. It's like you can never get the same bittersweet feeling anywhere else in the world when you search in the shadows for it. I think the key to it is just keep your head held high in the light and it will come and find you. They will come and find you.

Crushes are never easy to get over. Especially the first.