All In My Head

Right Here

'Look. I'm just going to get straight to the point. There are a couple things that could lead you to make terrible mistakes. Fear is prominent in this case. Fear of being alone. Fear of disrupting the arrangement of your life. A decision to settle for something that's okay, because you don't know if you can get any better. Or maybe there's the irrational belief that it will get better, even when you know he won't change.'

Wow. Okay. I knew she was all to the point but this is way too fast. This was all flying towards me at such a speed that I can't seem to slow it down.

'He?' I asked, slowly.

'Well, I'm just being honest. I mean, you won't ever get anywhere when people are constantly telling you that you're doing everything right; especially when you're doing something wrong. You can't paint everyone with the same colour, but I know the type of person Ethan is. And he is definitely not good for you. Technically Beth was right. But her approach to things just wasn't. We only mean the best for you.'

Why wouldn't this cycle of my life shattering and me always trying to pick up the pieces from the mess that's been left behind from the heart break just end? That same phrase over and over again. We only mean the best for you. Yeah, well I've heard that before. They only mean the best and their intentions aren't to bother me but honestly I'd rather be somewhere far away right now. With Ethan.

'You've said what you had to say. Now my turn. And you listen. My vulnerability sure is wide open, but I'm secure within it. So I'm not going to fall anymore or get anymore hurt than I already have. Do you have any idea what I'm going through right now? Every form of trust I experience, every bond I create with someone, it gets thrown into the perpetual twisting of misery. I'm not stable. How do you expect me to keep both feet on the ground when my entire foundation itself of my life has been crushed to dust right before my eyes?'

'Amelia. It's almost heartening to think that the attatchment you have can define your perception as much as any other influence. But don't you see the correlation? The one thing that ties in with it all. The root cause of your collapse. Ethan. He ruined your relationship with Melody, Ariana and Beth and maybe even...'

'Why did you stop? Maybe even you, Sabrina? You've reached the top of your greatness, and I think you should continue; you're always right about everything. But there is one thing that is going to hit you harder than you think it would. I am going to give you one piece of advice. You're at the top right now but just brace for the fall. Because you don't know what it feels like to be surrounded by faces and yet have no one to call on. My so called friends I was leaning on but all they ever did was take. Then I'd say it's fine but deep inside I wish I could escape. Huh. Funny how it all goes around. I thought you would help bring me out the darkness. And here I am, deeper in the pit than I have ever been. And you know what? Thank you. Thank you so much for being truthful and honest and-what's the word- that's right... subtle. Has anyone ever told you that you're great at doing that?'

I storm off back to the car before she has a chance to say anything else.

I stay at Ethan's house for the night. I lie beside him, thinking about all those moments that I yearned to change so badly but I knew it wouldn't ever be possible. Reality had finally caught up with me. I let everyone go. I spent the rest of the night swallowed by my regrets. But was it the regret of letting them go or not retaliating in a way that scarred when I finally got the chance to? I just always keep running. But from what? I don't need to rely on these thoughts to get me through the night.

I have Ethan to breathe me back to life.

I remember how the trail that got me through the darkness seemed somehow to be attached to him. It's like I was trapped in my own lie; that everything would be okay, when really I knew that there was no hope. It's as of when you love someone; they become your reason to be optimistic. Maybe I've gotten it backward, maybe it's just that I need a reason that I find myself falling slow in love with him. But I don't think that's it. I would have continued along, oblivious, if I hadn't happened to stumble across him at a party.

The sunset crept through the blinds. Ethan was lit by the orange spreading from the horizon; I lean over and become a shadow for him. As we drift into sleep, I feel something I've never felt before. A closeness that isn't merely physical. A sensation that can only come from the most euphoric of feelings: belonging. What is it about the moment you fall in love? How can such a small measure of time contain such enormity? I suddenly realise why people believe in reincarnation, because there is no way the years I've spent on this earth could encapsulate what I'm feeling. Like I am just now arriving at the place I want to be.

He throws his arm over my waist.

I smile.

Once again, I'm asleep in his arms.

Author's note:

Sorry I haven't updated in a long time - I've just been really busy. This chapter is dedicated to toraays_whoraay  because I just wanted to prove that any situation can be dealt with, if you have patience. Any wound can be healed, if you give it time. And broken heart can be mended, when you realise you are better that that. When you find you are better that you thought you were. When you let the caged bird free. And I think it's important we all know that. Thank you to all of my readers for reading & voting. x

-ToriKellyFan