All In My Head

Disappear

The last couple of days have been quite dry really. I have been back at school and Ethan hasn't. At all. But it was okay I guess because I was so preoccupied with coursework I had to catch up with and had to meet deadlines that were approaching faster than that guy's mono brow in my class. But Ariana either hasn't been in or was avoiding me very well. I doubt she would be hiding in the library, where I spent most of my time. Lunch was pretty lonely, except for those times that I ran into Bethany and she let me hang out with her and Sabrina.

Worst of all was walking past Melody in the corridor. A horrible feeling rushed up and down my chest like a rollercoaster and I'm pretty sure it wasn't Thorpe Park so it was most likely guilt. I spoke to Beth about everything that happened and after all the 'ooh's and 'aahhh's, she said that it wasn't my fault. She told me that Melody didn't deserve Ethan because she needed to learn to treat her friends right first. Also that Ethan said he didn't like her like that, then she probably had no chance with him anyway; so I just saved her a broken heart. That was really sweet and everything but I still felt guilty. Was I doing the wrong thing?

So yeah, my life has pretty much formed that same old routine Pre-Party. That event was one of the biggest ones in my life so far so yes, it HAD to have caps. It was the night when I made new friends and found out what my old ones thought of me as. Those words came back into my mind, thawing at my essence.

This whole time, I thought you were my friend. But you're not. You're a betrayer. A traitor. I'm sorry I ever thought of you as my friend.

I decided to forget all about Melody and just focus on my studies, and be around people who appreciate me like Beth and Sabrina. They liked me hanging out with them and weren't just friends with me because they needed someone to copy off in a test. That was Melody. That was the past. I need to move forward. I need to be me.

And Ethan held a part and he wasn't here with me. Paper hearts. I wonder how he feels. Does he miss me? Because he is all I can think about. He left. I wasn't sure if he was going to come back. It's almost been a month and he hasn't showed up since That Night. As paralyzing and upsetting as all the never agains were, the final leaving felt perfect. Pure. The most distilled form of liberation. It is so hard to leave – until you leave. And then it is the easiest thing in the whole goddamned world. He really isn't going to come back.

'Shit', I groaned and I fell of the bed when I realised I had 10 minutes left to get to college. I tripped over my brother's shoe in the hallway which was conveniently lying there. I washed my face with water + Neutrogena face scrub. Then I put on some tinted moisturiser (it basically evens out any patches or blemishes but all in all, is actually cream). I throw on grey sweatpants and a huge over-sized hoodie. I looked like crap, but frankly it was very comfortable. I grab my keys from the counter and kiss my mum on the cheek as I head towards the door and bump into Matt. Still, I had no time to converse. I ran into my car.

I got to school late.

I feel my eyes welling up as I rushed into the 'Live Room' AKA the recording studio. It was where I could be me. As I walked in I saw Melody and Ariana and a whole bunch of other girls in mini-skirts and high heels and a lot of make-up draped over guys from the football team.

'Ha! Hey Amelia, where's Ethan? Oh, don't you know? He's left you. Yup, that's what he does; messes with girls for one night and runs away.' Melody cackles.

A roar of laughter burst out from every face in the room. My eyes spilled over with tears. She was my friend. She WAS. She didn't matter anymore. As I ran out of the room I felt a hand grab my arm.

'Hey, I'm sorry' Ariana says sympathetically, giggling away evilly.

I tore her arm off me and ran out. I hid in the bathroom the whole day until the day came to an end and I drove back home.

I slumped on my bed and just didn't want to talk to anyone. A river of thoughts passed through my mind.

You, with your switching sides, and your wildfire lies and your humiliation. You have pointed out my flaws again - as if I don't already see them. I walk with my head down, try to block you out 'cause I never impress you. I just want to feel okay again. I bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold but the cycle ends right now. Because you can't lead me down that road. And you don't know what you don't know. Someday I'll be living in a big old city, and all you're ever gonna be is mean. Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me, and all you're ever gonna be is mean. Why you gotta be so mean?

If I beg and if I cry would it change the sky tonight? Will it give me some light? Should I wait for you to call? Is there any hope at all? Are you drifting by? When I think about it I know that I was never there or even cared. The more I think about it the less that I was able to share with you. I try to reach for you, I can almost feel you. You're nearly here and then...

You disappear

And then I lie all by myself, I see your face, I hear your voice. My heart stays faithful. And time has come and time has passed, if it's good, it's got to last. It feels so right. When I think about it I know that I was never there or even cared. The more I think about it the less that I was able to share with you. I try to reach for you, I can almost feel you. You're nearly here and then...

You disappear

I missed all the signs one at a time

You were ready

What did I know starting our lives

No, my love I'm ready to show

You disappear, you disappear, disappear