Trace of Innocence | Sweet and Sour (Book 4)

Chapter 16

(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 16 - I Know That I'll Be Fine)

I take a seat on my own once we're on the plane, and shove my earphones in. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to think about what just happened. I just want to forget it all. I feel empty and numb.

"Harry."

I look up and Louis is standing next to my seat looking uncertain.

"Not now," I say bluntly.

"Mate, come on. Let me explain."

"Mate," I scoff, smirking derisively. "That's a joke."

Louis rolls his eyes and looks pissed off. "It's not a joke at all."

"Seriously Louis," I snap, "I'm really not in the mood."

"Tommo leave it," Liam says softly. "Don't make things worse."

"How am I making things worse?!" Louis exclaims, shrugging his shoulders and turning his palms skywards. "I'm trying to sort it out."

"Let the dust settle," Niall advises from across the aisle. "Give him some space."

I turn away from all of them and switch my music on. I know I should listen to what Louis has to say but right now it's all just too raw. I need time to breathe, and think things through.

The others take their seats and a couple of the crew walk through the plane checking doors are shut and belongings are secured. A blonde stewardess leans across me to lift the window shutter up fully for takeoff, and as I look up at her she drops her gaze and meets my eye, and gives me a small smile, which I return politely. I think she was the one I accidentally almost hit with my safety brochure last week when I was aiming for Louis.

She says something to me which I don't hear over Coldplay currently bursting my ear drums, so I quickly pull one earbud out. "Sorry?"

"I said, you can pull the blind down once we're in the air," she smiles.

"Oh, right, yeah," I mumble. "Thank you."

"Are you alright?" she asks hesitantly.

"Yes, fine," I lie. "Just tired."

"Let me know if there is anything I can get for you," she offers, and I nod my thanks and wait until she is a safe distance away and her back is turned before jamming my earphone back in my ear. I feel someone's gaze on me and turn to see Niall smirking in my direction. He lifts two fingers to his lips in a V shape and then flicks his tongue between them in a crude gesture. I smirk back and shake my head at him in disgust, ignoring his dirty, maniacal laughter, and shift my body in my seat so I am facing away from everyone and looking out of the window.

My thoughts stray to Jess, and our furious row only minutes before. I wonder what she is doing now. Is she on the phone to that witch of a friend of hers, Callie? Is she stomping around her flat, pushing her hair impatiently behind her ears every time the wispy bits of her fringe fall in her eyes? Is she lying on the sofa, broken and miserable? Is she even bothered about our hateful exchange?

I'm tired of thinking about her, but she's all I want to think about. I don't know how to break the cycle but I know I must, in order to move on with my life. Although things ended badly between us yet again, I can't help the relief I feel at being with her one last time, and that Sara is no longer the last person I had sex with.

I try to imagine being with someone else. I try to imagine wanting to be with someone else. My gaze falls upon the blonde air hostess who is smiling shyly in my direction. She's pretty, I suppose. But she's not Jess. I close my eyes and think about other beautiful women: Suki Waterhouse, Stella Maxwell, Rosie Huntington-Whitely, Michelle Keegan. Even Kendall Jenner. But I'm left cold. The thought of kissing, touching, sleeping with someone else just doesn't hold any appeal. I know from experience the lads will tell me I need to go out and bang a hot girl to get me over this but it's the last thing I want to do, even though I know it's over between us and there is no going back.

I spend the entire flight flicking through my song library, trying to find something neutral that doesn't relate to the way I feel about Jess. It's not easy. Everything seems to refer to loving someone, or missing someone, or hurting someone, or making mistakes. There is no escape from my own mind.

By the time we land in Helsinki I am mentally exhausted. I risk a look on Twitter and see with perverse satisfaction that the fans are in uproar over Jess and Louis' kiss. A small part of me feels justified in taking the moral high ground, but the end result is still the same: I feel empty and betrayed yet again by the people closest to me, and no amount of tweets from the well-meaning fans telling me the world is on my side can shake the onset of loneliness slowly creeping into every pore of my body.

The Helsinki show goes well I think, and before I know it we're on the jet once more, heading back to London for a week off before the tour continues in San Diego in July. Louis approaches me again with trepidation but I pointedly shift in my seat and turn my back to him. I'm not ready to listen to his explanations or apologies.

I'm not sure where that leaves us as friends; even less as band members.

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Just a short one today, sorry! Lots coming up in the next few chapters that shape the future of Jess and Harry's relationship, so keep an eye out for updates and I'll do my best to write them asap.

No Control (Book 1) is heading towards half a million reads, so if you want to share it on social media or recommend it to friends please please do, and help me tip the 500k mark soon! Lots of love and thanks xxx