Trace of Innocence | Sweet and Sour (Book 4)

Chapter 34

(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 34 - Giving It To Someone Else)

I can't lie here all evening staring at the wall. I'll go insane.

I drag myself off the bed and into the bathroom to stare at my reflection in the mirror above the sink. Jess was right: I look terrible. I have bags under my eyes, my skin is sallow and waxy, and my mouth is turned down in a miserable grimace. I switch the shower on, pull my clothes off and step into the cubicle. Too late I remember I left my phone on the bed and contemplate getting out of the shower to retrieve it, before mentally shaking myself. She's switched her phone off. She isn't going to ring me. The sooner I accept that, the better.

I stare at the tiled wall, searching my own mind for a distraction. I can't think about her with him any longer.

The lyrics to Walking In The Wind come to me, and I sing them out loud, the shower cubicle providing great reverb.

"The fact that we can sit right here and say goodbye means we've already won... The necessity for apologies between you and me, baby, there is none. You will find me..."

I sigh in frustration. There needs to be a bridge between the verse and chorus. It just doesn't flow as it is right now, but no one seems to be able to work it. It's too good a song to let go. I've not really contributed to it much, yet it means a lot to me, and I want to be the one to crack it. I'm just suffering from writer's block.

I'm no further forward by the time I step out of the shower, and I have no guitar with me to help me. I haven't even brought a change of clothes. Thinking about it rationally, this wasn't really the best idea, zooming across the country after my ex girlfriend who told me she didn't want to see me, dumping the truth on her about the end of our relationship after months of lies, without so much as a Plan B in case it didn't work out how I'd hoped. I'm a mess. 

I pull on a hotel dressing gown, walk through to the bedroom and lie on the bed to watch tv. I'm just going to have to get through tonight, and then first thing tomorrow I'll drive home, grab a bag and go straight to Mum's. I need to be around my family.

I ring Mum and let her know my plans, and fill her in on the last few hours. She asks if I'm alright; I tell her I'm fine. We both know I'm lying. I manage to survive the phone call without getting emotional, and then turn my attention to the TV. 

My mind wanders back to Jess for most of the next couple of hours, and instead of imagining her making love with someone else I try and work out what I can do next. I can't give up on her, on us, but I also can't force my way back into her life. I understand I have been too controlling about this, and I need to listen to what she wants if I am to have any chance of salvaging anything from the wreckage of our relationship.

I am just musing over the release of Perfect, and whether or not she will even hear it, never mind realise it is about her, when my phone lights up with a call. My stomach lurches so hard I feel almost winded when I see Jess's name on the screen.

I scramble to answer it, breathlessly. Please be OK. I don't think I can handle it if he has hurt her in some way.

"Jess? Are you alright?" 

"No," she replies, her voice shaking, and my heart plummets to my toes. "I am not alright. Everything is ruined because of you."

"Oh my god," I whisper. "What's happened? Has he - has he hurt you?"

My stomach churns sickeningly at the thought.

"Who, Adam?" she slurs. "No, he wouldn't hurt me. That's your department. Shagging models behind my back, breaking up with me, treating me like shit..."