Trace of Innocence | Sweet and Sour (Book 4)

Chapter 18

(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 18 - Missing You Is All I'm Thinking About)

I attend a Fourth of July party in Malibu on Saturday, and for the first time in a couple of weeks I feel slightly brighter. Getting out of the house and being around my friends lifts my spirits long enough for me to forget my troubles and enjoy myself, even if it's only for a few hours.

I'm back in the studio the following day writing with John, Julian and Jamie. They're batting around a melody and some lyrics that we started writing months ago in Japan, that were temporarily shelved. I pull out my phone and take a moment to stare at my lock screen, into Jess's eyes, and lose myself in that moment of pure love, when everything was simple and untarnished.

"If you're lost just look for me, you'll find me in the region of the summer stars," Julian sings softly, strumming the chords on his guitar. "Damn, I can't find a bridge that works. It needs a smooth transition from the verse to the chorus."

"Walking in the Wind," I muse, voicing the title we had suggested for this song, and I am momentarily overcome with emotion as the words I have just uttered out loud perfectly fit the picture on my screen. Jess and I were literally walking in the wind that day. The photograph couldn't be more perfect; it could almost be a single cover, if we were ever to release it.

The lyrics, about losing and missing someone, are so relevant to the way I feel. It would be beautiful if it wasn't so heartbreaking. If I wasn't such a mess.

"Harry?" John is saying, and I realise I have been staring silently into space for an uncomfortable amount of time. "Are you OK?"

"Fine," I mutter. "Walking in the Wind. Are we settled on that title?"

Jamie shrugs. "It's up for debate."

"It needs to be that. It has to be that," I insist.

"Why?" Julian asks, looking up at me, his brow furrowed as he delicately picks out the melody on the strings of his guitar.

"Because it's perfect," I murmur, staring down at Jess's face again. "You will find me," I sing along to Julian's tune. "In places that we've never been... walking in the wind."

Here I am in body, in places Jess and I have never been together, yet in spirit I am back in Holmes Chapel with her at my side, on the bank of the River Dane, walking in the wind. Living in my memory. It's where I want to be, where I will always be, because it's the one place I am truly happy.

Fuck.

I press my lips together and swallow the lump in my throat.

"Harry?" John says again.

"Excuse me," I mutter, and stand up, my fingers pinching the bridge of my nose to disguise the beginnings of tears in my eyes at this unending feeling of loss. When am I going to get over this? Why can't I move on? It should be getting easier now, not harder.

"You wanna take a break?" Julian calls.

"I need to call it a day," I reply over my shoulder, and I scurry out of the studio, letting the door swing shut behind me as I make my way blindly down the corridor and outside to my car, shoving my sunglasses on.

A couple of paps are outside but as far as I can tell I manage to jump into the front seat before they get any decent shots of me, and I am out of the car park and onto the road before they have time to react properly. My phone rings just as I am pulling into my driveway, and I am surprised to see Kendall Jenner's name on the caller ID. I haven't heard from her in ages.

"Hey," I answer, with as much enthusiasm as I can muster considering my current emotional state.

"Woah. Who died?" she asks, dryly.