Trace of Innocence | Sweet and Sour (Book 4)

Chapter 36

(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 36 - All Alone In This Hotel)

Over the next few days I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I am no further forward in my relationship with Jess, but just knowing that she now knows the truth about what happened in New York is quietly comforting. She may hate me; she may never forgive me, but if that is the case (and I hope it isn't) at least it will be for the right reasons.

I spend the best part of a week in Holmes Chapel with Mum and Robin, laying low and attempting to recharge my batteries. Mum fusses over me constantly, asking how I am, asking if she can get me anything, doing all my washing. A couple of times she catches me watching TV in the lounge in the early hours of the morning, unable to sleep from the thoughts whirling round my mind.

"Can I keep you company?" she asks softly, appearing in the doorway at quarter to three on Friday morning while I am staring blankly at a man on the shopping channel selling steam mops.

"Do you need a new steam mop?" I joke halfheartedly, and she smiles as she sits down on the sofa beside me, tightening her dressing gown cord around her waist.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?"

I turn to look at her. "Nothing," I reply.

"This is me you're talking to," she reminds me gently. "I've known you since the day you were born. Since before you were born. I was the first person to know you even existed. I can tell when something's troubling you."

"I'm actually feeling better about things," I tell her, turning the volume lower on the TV to a faint murmur. "I feel like I can breathe now everything is out in the open. But at the same time, I feel empty. It feels almost like an anti-climax. Before, there was this big secret, and maybe a small part of me believed that when I told Jess what really happened, she would take me back."

Mum says nothing, but watches me, waiting for me to go on.

"I don't blame her for not falling into my arms immediately," I explain. "But her strength just makes me want her more. And knowing I was the one who ruined everything just makes it harder to accept that she doesn't want me. She knows me better than anyone in the world, apart from you and Gemma. She understands me, she can read me like a book. But at the same time, I lied to her for so long and she believed what I told her. So now I'm starting to think maybe she didn't know me as well as I thought she did, but even that's my own fault too, because I didn't let her in when I should have..." I trail off with a sigh. 

"No wonder you're exhausted," Mum observes. "Berating yourself over it all to this extent is draining the life out of you. You need to let go of the mistakes you made. If you don't forgive yourself, how on earth can you expect Jess to forgive you?"

"What if she never does?" This is the first time I have voiced this fear out loud to someone outside our relationship.

"Harry, what are you always preaching to your fans?"

I stare at her blankly.

"Love wins," she supplies. "If the two of you are meant to be together, she will come round eventually. If she loves you as much as I think she does, she will find it in her heart to forgive you and move on. But you must be patient. Time is a great healer, particularly when it comes to matters of the heart."

"I'm not very good at being patient," I admit.

"I know that," she smiles. "But your relationship depends on it. Give her time to think, time to breathe; time to make sense of her own feelings. Let her know you're there for her if she needs you, but also let her miss you a little bit. That won't do her any harm."