Trace of Innocence | Sweet and Sour (Book 4)

Chapter 70

(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 70 - The Greatest Team That The World Has Ever Seen)

My Saturday consists of a lazy morning with Jess, a lunchtime workout with my friends Mark and Cal and an afternoon of decorating Jess's Christmas tree at her flat and helping her wrap her Christmas presents. It's days like these that are my favourites. Don't get me wrong, I love travelling the world and performing to sold out stadiums, but after five years of this non-stop whirlwind I've learnt to appreciate the quiet moments spent with loved ones and the simple enjoyment of doing something normal just like everyone else.

As I'm being driven to the SSE Arena in Wembley early Sunday afternoon ahead of our last ever performance at the X Factor Final as One Direction (for a good while, at least) I am struck with an overwhelming sense of sadness at leaving this part of my life behind indefinitely, with such an open expanse ahead. I feel as though I have counted down to this moment for a long time, and now it's almost here I find myself wishing the minutes wouldn't pass so quickly, and wanting to relish every last second of being one quarter, once one fifth, of One Direction. My mind wanders to Zayn, and whether he felt this way prior to his departure. I wonder how long he was thinking about leaving, and whether he counted down the days to the moment he broke away, or if it was just a snap decision to leave there and then. I feel sad that he isn't here to be part of this final performance that is to be celebrated and enjoyed. He was part of One Direction just like the rest of us, and all that drama seems so long ago now, and so much water has passed under the bridge. Not for the first time, I wish he had shared how he had been feeling so that we could have helped him.

On impulse I pull out my phone and type a quick text to him. Hi mate. Hope you're ok. Gonna be strange tonight looking back over the past 5 years without you there with us. No hard feelings from my end. Take care of yourself, and if you ever wanna catch up just drop me a text. H x

I don't know if he'll reply, or if this is still even his number. I stow my phone away as the car arrives at the arena. As soon as I walk into the green room Niall gives me a fistbump, followed by a hug which immediately brings a strange lump to my throat. 

"Bit emotional all this, isn't it," I mutter, and he nods solemnly as he sits back down on the sofa, his knees jiggling jerkily. It isn't long before Louis arrives, followed shortly after by Liam. The ITV production team flit in and out, along with our own crew, everyone seemingly jittery and hyper, excited yet nervous for the last time we will ever do this. 

Simon Cowell comes in to see us as soon as he arrives, and gives us all a hug in turn as he tells us just how proud he is of all that we've achieved, and says his door is always open to work with us in the future, should any of us want to. "I'm hoping at least one of you will return as a judge on a future series," he smiles, his eyes twinkling, and we all laugh. "I'm serious," he insists. "And that goes for solo performances, too. You four are always welcome here. This is your second home, ok?"

We all nod, smiling at each other, and murmur our thanks. I can only imagine performing on stage on my own, and the idea of returning to this stage, where our careers started, without the others by my side, feels terrifying and exciting at the same time. I want to do so many things during this break, and keep wavering between wanting to take on the world, and wanting to hide myself away in case I flop. Thankfully the moments of wanting to hide away are few and far between, and are becoming less and less as time passes. Knowing I have such a strong support network from my family, friends and Jess, is spurring me on immensely.

As more people arrive, including the X Factor hosts Olly Murs and Caroline Flack, judges Rita Ora, Cheryl and Grimmy, and our own hair and makeup team including Lou Teasdale and Lottie Tomlinson, the fever and excitement around us begins to mount. As Grimmy appears at my side and gives me a high five I catch sight of Jess shyly entering the room with Gemma, and I beam at her, a sudden fluttering in my stomach that has nothing to do with performance nerves. I beckon her over, trying not to stare at her so blatantly but jeez, she looks amazing. How can someone just exude grace, and class? Even when she's clumsy, she's graceful. How is that even a thing?