Trace of Innocence | Sweet and Sour (Book 4)

Chapter 29

(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 29 - Two Steps Far From You)

"I'm getting to it," I sigh, sadly. "I have to tell you everything in the order it happened, so you understand it all." 

She watches me, and rubs her hands nervously on her thighs. I take a deep breath and continue.

"There were paps outside the hotel when I got into the car. I knew then that Sara would have been papped too, and it would only be a matter of time before the story broke. I wanted to call you, but I was so fucking scared, Jess. You were the one person I needed right then, and you were the one person I couldn't call. I knew you'd be devastated. I can't even begin to explain how I was feeling. I've never, ever been unfaithful to anyone in my life. I had no intentions of ever being unfaithful to you. I honestly couldn't believe I'd done it."

I can feel my lip trembling again at the memory of the despair I felt that day. I swallow the lump in my throat and try to focus on facts, rather than feelings, in an attempt to make this easier on both of us.

"I called Karen from the car, and told her everything. She couldn't believe it either. She literally yelled at me for five minutes solid. Not just about the drugs, but about being unfaithful to you."

Jess averts her eyes but I carry on. I know she's listening. 

"She asked me why I'd done it, but I didn't have an answer. By the time I came off the phone I was about to have a breakdown. I was sitting in the back of the car crying like a fucking child. We got to the airport but my flight wasn't for several hours - we were really early because I'd just wanted to get out of the hotel. I sat in the private lounge literally in a daze. Karen called me back and said the photos would be on the Daily Mail any moment, along with the story, and she couldn't do anything about it because all they'd done was print the pictures of us hugging goodbye, and the pictures of us leaving the hotel. I knew I had to ring you before you saw the article, but I put it off - I knew once I made the call that would be it, you would be out of my life forever and I couldn't bear that thought. I couldn't even call Mum or Gemma because I couldn't face their disappointment, so I called Louis instead and told him everything."

Fucking hell. You absolute fucking dickhead. Why'd you do that? Did you have a row with Jess?  And you had the cheek to have a go at me for thinking with my dick.

"He was speechless, for about five seconds. Then he yelled at me for being a dıckhead, and yelled at me again when I said I had to confess everything to you. He said I could get away with it and say the paps made a story out of nothing."

Two words: damage limitation. There have been enough made up stories about you. Tell her this is another one of them. Just have your fucking happy ending. 

"But I couldn't lie to you again, not about that," I tell her. "I had to face up to it, even though I knew you'd hate me and our relationship would be over."  

In a weird way it feels good to be getting this off my chest. Although I feel emotionally drained, I also feel as though a weight is slowly being lifted from my shoulders. For the first time in months I am able to breathe freely, without the chain of dishonesty around my neck.

"Eventually I had to bite the bullet and call you." I look up at her face. She is watching me unblinkingly, and I know I have her full attention. "You broke my heart, Jess. I was expecting you to scream at me, but you didn't. You said -" 

My voice wavers as I remember the conversation.

I trust you, Harry.

"You said, 'I trust you, Harry.'"

My voice cracks with emotion and I cover my face with my hand. I'm embarrassed to be crying in front of her, when I am the one who messed up.

"You trusted me," I manage to say, and my words sound thick and muffled. "After everything I did, you'd seen the pictures and you trusted me anyway. That broke me."