Trace of Innocence | Sweet and Sour (Book 4)

Chapter 31

(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 31 - See Things In A Different Light)

"Oh my God," she whispers, her face a picture of disbelief. "Isn't that, like, illegal or something?"

Well I'm not exactly in the best position to judge, am I? I broke the law myself.

"The whole thing was illegal," I sigh. "I took that drug willingly, albeit I didn't know exactly what it was mixed with, but I know it's never pure. And Speed isn't legal. I can't exactly plead full ignorance."

Her anger seems to have abated temporarily (I'm not stupid enough to think it has magically disappeared for good) and is replaced with shock, horror and disgust.

"Did you confront Nadine?" she asks.

"Well, I asked her what she was playing at, and she just said she told Jason what she was giving him," I reply. "He was fucked, so he didn't remember. It's his word against hers. God knows what else was in it. It could have been anything," I add, a tinge of bitterness creeping into my voice.

I mean, I only could have died or something, if I had been allergic to any of those unknown chemicals. No big deal, Nadine.

"Louis said you hadn't been yourself that night. That's what he meant, isn't it? He knew about the drugs," she murmurs, staring unseeingly at a spot on the carpet.

"Yeah, sort of, probably," I shrug. I'm not really sure exactly what he said to her. "When I found out what I'd taken I told him, but I didn't really go into detail. When did Louis tell you that?"

"The same night I kissed him," she admits, and she has the grace to look ashamed again. "He was sticking up for you, trying to defend what you did, saying there was more to it than I knew, but he wouldn't go into detail. He said he didn't know the full story."

"Which he didn't," I agree. 

I feel another pang of regret at the way I treated Louis over all of this. He was a true friend to me, and I was an arse in return. I feel stupid for even thinking that he might have been trying to make a move on Jess. I was so wrapped up in my own jealousy and insecurity that I lost touch with reality. He would never betray me like that. I make a mental note to apologise to him again when I next see him.

"OK," she says, jolting me out of my thoughts. "OK, I have some questions."

"Shoot."

"Why has it taken you this long to tell me all this? Why not tell me straight away when you found out about the... Bremel-whatsit?"

I sigh. This is the sixty-four thousand dollar question, isn't it? Why did I insist on keeping it to myself for so long?

"I was ashamed, and embarrassed," I confess, unable to meet her eye. "It was bad enough that I had taken those drugs, never mind their stupid name, or the effects they'd had on me." I steel myself to look at her face, but I can't read her expression. She is watching me, waiting for me to continue. "It sounded ridiculous in my head. And I'd spent the previous few weeks convincing myself I didn't love you, only to find out I'd been influenced by some chemicals..." I sneak another look at her, but she doesn't react to this, so I carry on. "It took me a long time to come to terms with what happened that night. I was scared of messing with you even more than I already had."

"Why did you want me to come back to your hotel that night at Libertine?" she frowns. "You said earlier today you didn't set me up. But the whole thing - it was so cleverly orchestrated, from the paps taking pictures of me kissing Louis, to them seeing me and you leave together, to the pictures of me leaving your hotel in a taxi. What really happened?"