Trace of Innocence | Sweet and Sour (Book 4)

Chapter 30

(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 30 - The Dangerous Tricks People Play)

She shakes her head at me.

"There you go again," she says, devoid of emotion. "More mystery. What does that even mean?"

My heart pounds. Do I tell her I love her, and I want to try and work things out? Something tells me this would not go down well. 

"Maybe I know you better than you know yourself," I respond carefully, meaning I understand how she felt when I held her, and I understand what it is like to hate yourself for seeking solace in the one person you know you shouldn't.

"Oh, so you were referring to me?" she sneers. "You're saying I didn't know I needed you but now you're here you think I will suddenly realise?"

No, that's not what I meant at all. Her disdain is breaking my heart. My ears burn with embarrassment.

I look down at the floor before changing the subject and continuing.

"The conversation we had on the phone that day made me realise the extent of what I had done. I heard the pain in your voice when the truth sank in. It ripped through me, and I've never forgotten it. Everything I said to you was the truth. I couldn't bring myself to admit to taking Speed because I didn't want you to be disgusted with me over that, as well as over me being unfaithful."

I look up into her eyes. "I wasn't expecting you to say the things you said. What you said to me, about clicking my fingers and getting what I wanted - it struck a chord with me. It made me question everything. You really hit home with everything you said, and the way you described me... it was someone I didn't want to be. And when you reminded me of the effect all of it would have on you; when you said everyone would be laughing at you..."

The whole fucking fandom will be laughing at me! As far as public humiliation goes, I think you've topped it all.

I feel sick at the thought of her hurting like this.

"That hadn't even occurred to me, and it made it hurt so much. It...It hurt in here, Jess." I put my hand over my heart and I look into her eyes to see the tears sparkling there, ready to fall. "I hated myself for doing this to you," I admit miserably. "I knew you wouldn't forgive me. I'd known that before I'd even picked up the phone to call you. I had no right even to ask, which is why I didn't. I wasn't about to insult you further by asking you for another chance. But I wanted you to know how sorry I was, and how I wished I could go back and change it. I didn't want you to think I didn't care. It was the worst mistake of my life."

She says nothing, but looks at me with an unreadable expression. 

"I can't really remember much after our phone call," I continue, softly. "I called Louis back, and at some point I told my mum and Gemma what had happened. I remember you trying to call me repeatedly, but I'd just shut down. I couldn't face you again. I know that was shitty of me, and I should have taken your calls, but my head was all over the place. I'm so sorry for that. Amidst all of this I flew to Brussels and faced another roasting from pretty much everyone I spoke to. And each time I relived it things seemed to become clearer and clearer."

"What do you mean?" 

She looks apprehensive; afraid of what I am going to say next, no doubt terrified I am going to hurt her more.

"When Louis came into my suite at the hotel and said you were there I almost fell over," I confess. "I couldn't believe you'd flown out to see me. But I couldn't let myself be happy about it because I knew what I had to do. I wanted to take you in my arms the minute I saw you standing in that room waiting for me, but I couldn't. I couldn't make it any harder than it already was, for either of us. You wanted closure, I needed to sort my life out. I knew we couldn't be together after what I'd done. You'd made me see that I'd turned into everything you were afraid of, and you were right - I had let fame change me, to an extent. Not in an obvious way, maybe, but in some ways. And you could see those traits in me because I'd let you get so close to me. I'd hurt you so badly, and I hated myself for it. I couldn't risk hurting you any further. And I'd proved what I was capable of, when presented with temptation."