Trace of Innocence | Sweet and Sour (Book 4)

Chapter 43

(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 43 - So Many Words We're Not Saying)

We all head over to Marbury Park after breakfast the following day, and spend a couple of hours kicking leaves and pine cones along the paths and chatting about the band, the tour, and Liam and Sophia. Jess is shocked when I mention they seem to be on the rocks, and stares at the ground as we walk along in the stark sunlight.

"First Louis and Eleanor, then Zayn and Perrie, now Liam and Sophia," she muses, referring to the band break ups over the past few months. "What next?!"

"You're forgetting me and you," I mutter, staring at my feet and feeling awkward mentioning it, yet somehow unable to let it pass without making the point.

"I'm talking about long-term relationships, in the public eye," she elaborates. "We were never public."

I wonder where we would be now if we had gone public before I flew to New York. Would things have happened differently? Would I still have been tempted with drugs, or would the transition into a high-profile relationship have occupied all my energy? Or would I still have cheated, and humiliated Jess even more publicly; thus destroying our relationship beyond any form of repair, including this friendship-limbo we're attempting these days?

No point dwelling on all that now - it's too depressing to contemplate. 

"Is Liam OK?" she is asking.

"No, to be truthful," I admit with a sigh. "I think he's a bit torn. I actually think they've drifted apart but he doesn't want to admit it to himself. I dunno. I may be reading too much into it."

"I hope they work it out so they're both happy," she says softly, in strange a tone that suggests she can feel this situation on a personal level.

"Yeah, me too," I reply, hoping with all my heart that Liam can just get through the next eighteen shows without any major drama.

"Have you had any more thoughts about what you're going to be doing next year, on your break?" she asks after a moment. "Like, whether you're going to be over here or in America?"

"I've got loads of potential stuff I could do," I answer, noncommittally. "I still haven't finalised anything yet. I need to make some decisions soon, really. I'd definitely like to spend some time in LA, if only for the better weather. But I don't know about long term."

I'm not about to admit I am putting off making any decisions about next year until I know how things pan out with Jess. That would be sad, bordering on pathetic.

 "Why?" I ask.

"Just wondering," she mutters, and shoves her hands in her pockets. She's brought the shutters down, all of a sudden. What did I just say to provoke that reaction? Was it the LA comment?

"Would it be a problem, me being in LA?" I ask carefully, my stomach fluttering as I await her response.

"Of course not," she answers, without meeting my eye. "If that's where you want to be, you should go. Especially if there are loads of opportunities for you."

Damn. Not the answer I was hoping for. Although I didn't really expect her to throw herself at my feet and beg me to stay close to home. A little less encouragement for me to fly off to a different continent would have been nice, though.

I stare across the lake, a sinking feeling making its way to the pit of my stomach. I can make her flustered, and I can flirt with her all I want, but ultimately if she can't forgive the past there really is no hope for us. And if she's that unfazed by the idea of me spending next year in LA, she's obviously not on the same page as me regarding the future of our relationship.