Really Embarrassing Stories That Have Legitimately Happened To Me Because I Suck

Never Trust Me Around Staplers Ever Again

Me: *doing science project*

Me: Laaaaa dee dooooo lalalalalalala my science project is sooooo kool.

Me: *puts stapler against board to staple paper onto it*

Me: *realizes that this method will probably result in stapling the ground*

Me: *like the absolute GENIUS I am comes up with the idea that in order to keep the staple from penetrating the ground, I'll instead put my hand underneath*

Me: *the inevitable happens and I staple my hand*

Me: *doesn't realize that I've stapled my hand and goes to staple the other side of the paper, moving my hand and resulting in the staple dragging across my hand and creating a large cut*

Me: *staples other side which pierces skin*

Me: *finally realizes what happened and yanks hand off board, which causes more cuts*

Me: *decides to get over embarrassment and tell mom*

Mom: *simply chuckles and bandages my hand*

~Next Day~

Friends: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO YOUR HAND???!!!!???

Me: Er... *contemplates lying because the situation is very humiliating* *decides not to* I stapled my hand...

Friends: *all face palm simultaneously (it was actually quite scary they literally all did it at the same time)* How...were you even using your brain...what...only you could manage to do that.

Me: *nervously pulls sleeve over bandages to avoid further questioning from others*

• In Class •

Person: Hey, can you widen this stapler for me so I can staple this to the wall?

Me: Sure. *tries to widen stapler but fails miserably*

Person: Are you sure you got it?

Me: Yeah, this is easy...shouldn't be too hard. *struggles with stapler*

Friend: *walks up* You should probably stop because you're going to--

Me: *staples uninjured hand*

Friend: --staple yourself again. *sighs*

Person: Oh my god! Are you okay?!

Friend: Yes, she's fine. *shoves person away*

Me: [very nervous] I don't wanna tell Mrs. Teacher.

Friend: You have to.

Me: No I don't. *looks down and realizes I've gotten blood everywhere* Oh crap I do.

Teacher: *shakes head* [very loudly] You can go to the nurse to fix your stapled hand.

Class: You stapled you hand???!!!??? *erupts into laughter*

Me: *leaves classroom quickly*

• Back in the Classroom •

Me: *inspects the stapler* *finds button on the bottom that makes widening it very easy* *curses very loudly*

Yes, I stapled my hands three times in under 24 hours.

Also, I don't anticipate most of the parts to be this long, but this one turned out to be very lengthy.