Really Embarrassing Stories That Have Legitimately Happened To Me Because I Suck

IHOP Does Things To People

Me: *decides to take mom out for breakfast because of Mother's Day*

Me: *tries to wake mom up*

Mom: LEAVE ME ALONE. *throws pillow at me*

Me: Ooookaayyy... *walks away*

~At 1:30 p.m.~

Me: Mom, you need to get up now.

Mom: Fight me.

Me: GET UP.

Mom: Fine jeez whatever happened to respect your elders. *FINALLY gets out of bed*

Me: *drive us to IHOP* *orders some pancakes*

Mom: *orders this giant meal that costs like fifty dollars alone*

*we wait for the food*

Mom: *smells cooking* OHHH MY GOD HAVING A NOSEGASM.

Me: Jesus Christ mom TMI.

*food comes*

Mom: *makes loud moaning noises while eating*

Me: Mom be quiet there are other people in the world.

Mom: Nope there isn't the world revolves around me.

Me: Alrighty Mom.

*finish food*

Me: *goes to pay*

Mom: NO YOU CAN'T.

Me: What?

Mom: YOU CAN'T PAY.

Me: Mom, it's Mother's Day.

Mom: So? I didn't give you anything on Children's Day. I'll repay you with this.

Me: No mom what the heck are you doing.

Mom: *puts credit card in folder thingy*

Me: MOM STOP I'M PAYING.

Mom: I know I was joking lol you think I would actually pay for that giant meal I got? HAHA NOPE (she actually said lol it was cringe-worthy).

Me: *ignores her* *pays* *goes to leave*

Mom: Wait! We have to take a selfie!

Me: Oh no please no.

Mom: Yes of course none of your brothers did something this nice so we have to rub it in their faces that you're my favorite!

Me: Fine...

Mom: *whips out phone* *accidentally lets go* *phone goes sailing across the room* *lands on some person's table* Whoops haha! *goes to get phone*

Me: *trying to hide in hair/hands the entire time*

Mom: *comes back* *holds out phone for selfie but holds it below our faces so it looks like we have a billion chins (for some reason old people do that like why??).

Me: Can we GO now?

Mom: One more picture I look fat in this.

Me: YOUR BODY ISN'T EVEN SHOWING.

Mom: Yeah but...

Me: No one cares we're leaving now.

Mom: Rude much?

Me: *smiles pleasantly* Learned from the best! *runs to car*

Mom: You're not my favorite anymore. I like Gabe better (mah twin).

Me: HOW DARE YOU.

My mom is...interesting. But she's amazing. And always says what's on her mind no matter how explicit it is. Yep. There's my mom for ya. Causes me lots of pain but she herself doesn't give a crap and that's probably what I like best about her.