Really Embarrassing Stories That Have Legitimately Happened To Me Because I Suck

My Jokes Are Better Than Yours

Me: I have a joke.

Friend: Okay, go for it.

Me: What time do you need to go to the dentist?

Friend: [bored] What time?

Me: TOOTH HURTY!!! *breaks into fits of laughter*

Friend: [unamused] Wow.

Me: I have another one.

Friend: *sighs* Okay.

Me: Why couldn't Adele cross the road?

Friend: Why?

Me: SHE WANTED TO SAY HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE!!!! *falls down with laughter*

Friend: That one was worse than the other one.

Me: Okay fine I have a really good one.

Friend: Alright.

Me: Okay, so you're the pilot of a plane.

Friend: Got it nice joke.

Me: I'm not finished! So, on that plane, there are one million people aboard, since it's a ridiculously huge monster plane that's like super weird and awesome and colossal and stuff and somehow they had the technology to build that. Half of the population on the plane is women and a quarter is men and twenty percent is girls and four point nine percent is boys and point one percent is transgender. Got it? Actually, don't answer that it was rhetorical. The takeoff was pretty smooth, but during the flight passengers faced lots of turbulence and had to keep their seat belts on the majority of the time, which caused a few people to be angry and complain to flight attendants, who had no idea what to do. Eventually, the few complainers decided that they would no longer take apart of this flight, took a breathing mask, took a parachute, and jumped off the plane. Everyone panicked and had to put on their own oxygen masks, and the nose of the plane dipped down slowly. One brave soul finally closed the open door and soon people realized they were heading towards the vast ocean below at a thousand miles per hour. Lots of screaming and shouting took place, as I'm sure you can imagine. They eventually hit the water's surface and miraculously no damage occurred and they were able to somehow get back into the air. However, before they were even a five feet away, a giant squid from the ocean grabbed onto the tail, wrapping itself around it. After inspecting for a while, a young British man concluded that it was, indeed, the giant squid from Hogwarts and that it had somehow managed to escape even though there are no other bodies of water connected to the lake. Two children, whom were very enthusiastic about meeting the actual Hogwarts giant squid, jumped out of the plane and shook hands with the squid, claiming it was the best experience they had ever had. Suddenly, an old and senile woman yelped that she had seen Buckbeak the hippogriff and many people went out of the plane to see the sight. Another senile old woman yelped that she had seen a TARDIS. One, probably smart, small girl who looked no older than six called the authorities and gave them the exact coordinates of their whereabouts. The police arrived shortly via teleportation and asked around for the pilot's name, so they could know who to blame for this mess. They reached you and asked you the same question. What would be your response?

Friend: *jaw drops* What?!

Me: *waits patiently*

Friend: I don't know the dang pilot's name!

Me: Well I did say at the beginning that the pilot was you.

Friend: You idiot.

Again, not embarrassing for me, more for her, but it was still funny right? Right? Haha lol nope...