"Go get the girl Liam, we're both using each other to get over our exes and it's bad to go back into a toxic relationship, but I guess that's our yellow paint. Yellow is a colour of happiness, but yellow paint is poisonous and I guess our ex's are...
He's always looking at me. What's so interesting about a face that's caked with multiple of spots slowly possessing my whole entire image and that's why I always cover it up there's always an urge to.
I'm Kira Koshirono by the way.
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I know I'm defensive but I live in a world that only fed me boys that treated me with detestation and resentment and with a father who left me and my mother in unavoidable nothingness, in silence.
But it's that's same silence that engulfs me everyday. I always choose not to speak because speech does nothing, it doesn't move mountains and it doesn't change any situation.
I remain silent and silence is who I'm slowly becoming, but God will always be my mouthpiece.
I always look at the mirror every single morning smearing and dabbing makeup to cover up the acne, but it either appears too much or to me it's just too little.
Makeup makes me feel beautiful because I know for sure if I stepped outside into society, anxiety will be waiting outside my door ready to eat me alive until I hesitate to come home and burry myself in my blanket, wrap my headphones around my ears and blast music that describes my pain because lyrics are better to describe how I'm feeling more than myself to be honest.
Blast it so loud until my mother kicks my door open and violently grips onto my headphones and smashes it multiple of times on the wall until we gain that specific type of connection between our eyes.
Mine filled with hurt and the need to just feel love, just a moment of love, just a fucking time were I feel loved; while hers is filled with pain. That pain that took over her mind, soul, body and spirit ever since she read the note that my dad left behind :
"I've always been planning on leaving, leaving that child that doesn't even appreciate being raised up by a man.
I've always been planning on leaving, leaving a 'wife' who doesn't fulfil her duties of satisfying my sexual desires.
C'mon Keke don't you see how hard it is? Going out? Witnessing elegant and beautiful ladies who have the most beautiful bodies?
I deserve more than you, that I surely know and I repeatedly say to myself every time I see your face every single morning.
And I know when I leave you, you will finally understand why storms are named after people.
Because I'm nothing but a fucking storm and have you ever heard a storm fall in love? A storm destroys. I destroy people, that's what I do.
But you've always tried use your theory of fixing broken souls to change me. I'm not ready for love, all I wanted was sex, all my intentions were sex.
I never wanted commitment but I just went with it and honestly baby I hate it. I fucking hate it. I want to live where I wake up next to a new face every morning and party every night.
That's how I was taught to live and I want to live like that and you should to."
And after reading that note, I decided I will never love a man again. I could never love a man again.
