Why?

XIX

September 1998
A persistent thudding noise had been bothering me for ten minutes now. I had lain down hoping it to stop, but now I was irritated and searched the upstairs rooms for a source.
"Lindsey? You're not supposed to be here."
"I called Kristen, told her I was too busy." He looked it, stuck in the middle of a half-assembled cot.
"Just keep it down please." He nodded.
Entering the bathroom, I burst into tears, contrasting emotions at war in my mind.  There was a knock a few moments later.
"Stevie?" It was him. I held my breath, rubbing my eyes. "Stevie?" I flung open the door.
"What? You want to see me like this?"
"I'm sorry, god I'm begging you please let me make this right. I didn't come back to do DIY for Christ's sake, I stayed because no matter how much you don't have to care right now, I fvcking love you." He argued with a vehement passion, his eyes glistening with fresh tears. I couldn't help but experience his passion myself as he took my hand into his, pleading.
"You're married to another woman! Whatever we had that wasn't built on lies, it's gone. You should have gone to her."
"I made a mistake."
"More than one!"
"Would you rather me stand here and make excuses? Because I think you deserve better than that," I stared for a few moments.
"I was bummed that you were gone for months, I was lonely, it's not an excuse, it's childish and I'm wholly responsible for it."
"I...I can't touch you! I can't even look at you without seeing, hearing, it all over again. I bet you were fvcking her for months behind me back, laughing at how stupid I was! How do I push that away?! I can't...I can't."
"I swear it was one time. One mistake. When have I ever lied to you? Why would I?"
"Let me think: she's younger than me, had your baby before me, easier to control than me..." He rolled his eyes.
"None of those things matter. No one can make me feel like you Stevie."
"Exactly..."
"Think of everything we've been through. I will stay with you through anything Stevie. I've been a fvcking possessive, selfish piece of shit and I know you don't owe me anything."
"You've got one thing right then."
"I'm not expecting your forgiveness or sympathy any time soon, just please say you will give me a chance."
"I've made so many mistakes myself, but I thought we'd grown up. You can stay here, fine, but don't expect me to act like everything is ok. And you are not leaving Kristen right now either, I don't want any more suspicion from the world. I am already at breaking point because of you."
"Whatever you say, I'll do it, I'll prove myself I swear."
We'd been inhabiting the same house for a month, but this was the second time he'd so much as briefly touched me.
"Lindsey if you even so much as...Look at another woman...You're gone....No relationship, no work relationship- nothing."
"Of course, of course. If I have to wait fifty years for your trust, I'll do it."
"Oh sure, like I'm not going to be dead in the ground in fifty years after this amount of chaos on my life."
"You're a witch though." I furrowed my brows and shot him a heartless glare.
"Who's a witch?" My mom's voice was heard by the doorway, her coming into view as Lindsey leapt up from the ground, relinquishing his grip on my hand.
"Lindsey is," I rolled my eyes, thoroughly unamused, walking past her and out of the room.

I couldn't avoid my mom's inquiries forever, and she managed to corner me when I came into the kitchen for some juice while she washed the day's dishes after dinner.
"TeeDee honey? Please talk to me."
"What about mom?"
"I saw you and Lindsey holding hands earlier."
"We were not 'holding hands', he held one of my hands for all of 45 seconds. Wow, maybe you could send me to a nunnery if: one, we were Catholic, and two, I wasn't three months pregnant out of wedlock."
"That boy has made a big mistake but Stevie he's going to be a dad with you, and I know he loves you so much."
"Are you serious?"
"Stephanie I've had a few long talks with him and he knows how disgusted I am with his behaviour, you know I wouldn't say what I just said if I was simply under his spell. Your my daughter and I'm always on your side, but sweetheart sometimes you have to give it time, you can be happy I'm sure of it, this baby could be a blessing on disguise."
"Mom, babies do not make relationships easier!"
"Excuse me, I've had two and I know they don't, that's not what I'm saying. Children show you what's important. Giving your life and resources to another human being out of nothing but love? What could be better at healing you."
"What if I'm no good?" I sobbed, falling into her arms.
"If you're half as good as your own mother, you'll be great."
"How can I ever trust him again mom?"
"If he deserves it, you will, trust me. You don't think me and your father had our darker times? When people are willing to try, and willing to love again, they make it work. Your child should not have to live without her father, it's no good, try for her at least."