Why?

XVIII

September 1998
Lindsey's birthday approached, and he informed me he'd be travelling to LA to spend a few days back there. I knew it was coming, but I felt a stab of pain and jealousy as the words finally rolled out of his own mouth. I forbade him to mention anything about me to anyone back home, wanting my condition and location completely private for the time being- not wishing the intrusion of the media; the humiliation of explaining the situation to my friends; and the responsibility for the strain on Lindsey's month old marriage- he reluctantly agreed, not in the position to argue with me.
"I'll be back in a few days," he assured me as he rolled his suitcase out into the porch, his demeanour reeking of guilt. I couldn't help but imagine how he would be touching her and making love to her in mere hours, leaving the inconvenience of me thousands of miles away in an alternate reality.
"This house. It was your birthday present. I bought it in July, as a surprise." He sighed, knowing he had no way to respond.
"You carrying my child is the best present I could ever get. We have that."
"Why did you do it Lindsey? Just allow me that. Why? Everything we finally had, and it meant nothing."
"I fvcked up, OK? Fvcked up. I have no defence. It was an evil mistake. I've learnt my lesson."
"Learnt your lesson? You didn't get a parking ticket Lindsey, you're married to her."
"You left and we had a child to think of. I've told you!"
"So. Do. We."
"I didn't know. We didn't know."
"You didn't chase after me. That day. You stood there and watched me walk away like I was nothing to you, after 30 years, nothing."
"If I could turn back time..."
"You would do it again, because you're a moron. Just go."
"I miss you already Stevie," he said sincerely.
"Get used to it."