Why?

XXVII

February 1999
I had been lying down, trying to soothe my back pain. It did not seem to be working, so I sat up, twisting myself off the bed as I stood to fetch my heat pack from my drawers. There was a soft knock and I turned to see Karen holding a letter. I smiled, but she didn't smile back.
"Stevie! What's happening?" She pointed at the bed sheets. They were covered in blood.
She immediately helped me downstairs as I hyperventilated, calling Lindsey as she drove us to the hospital.

He met us as we arrived gathering me into his arms and yelling for help.
I was quickly placed in a wheelchair and pushed into a room by a nurse, Lindsey dashing after us.
"I can feel her, moving, but...What...What if?"
"Please remain calm, I'm going to perform a scan Ms..."
"Nicks," Lindsey finished for her, laying me on the bed.
I sobbed as she rubbed the sensor across my belly, Lindsey stroking my shoulders.
"Ms. Nicks your baby is fine, she's just coming early, blood can sometimes be discharged when that happens." At that moment, a midwife and doctor burst in, adjusting me to sit in the best position for labour, reassuring me that I'd get through this. "You can do this baby," Lindsey whispered as I gripped his hand fearfully. My labour did not last more than an hour, but it was the most physical pain I'd ever experienced. I almost crushed Lindsey's huge hand with my nimble one at several points, breathing fast but avoiding the horrific, wasteful screaming I could hear from elsewhere in the building.

"She's here." The doctor said as I heard cries after the most painful push yet, my heart simultaneously filling with relief and apprehension.
I teared up, desperate to see her, to know that she was real.
"I think someone wants to say hello."
The midwife held her up, passing her to Lindsey as I stared open-mouthed. He came toward me, holding her in his arms as if she was made of China. Her quieting down as he kissed her wet little head, bringing her over to me as I felt light-headed, unable to believe that I- such an unworthy individual- could witness such an immaculate moment.
"I can't believe it, she's so perfect. Oh Lindsey..." I reached to stroke her minuscule fist.
"I...Me too...God I...What's her name do you think?"
"She's god's gift to us. She's Hannah."
"She is."
He transferred her to my arms where we wrapped her in a pink blanket as she goggled up at us.
"She has my hair," Lindsey laughed through his tears, running two of his fingers against her little dark curls. Wrapping his arm around my shoulders as he nuzzled the top of my head.
"You win."
"Thank-you Stevie," he kissed my cheek. "Thank-you so much."
"It takes two to tango you know."

Lindsey took time in dressing her in her first nappy as I rested on the bed, admiring his attentiveness. I felt a little uncomfortable as I removed my left breast from my gown when Hannah woke from her first nap whimpering, both of them already leaking. "Lindsey pass me some tissue please." He yanked a tonne from the roll by the en-suite toilet, passing them over to me as I tried to clean myself up. "Ok, you can pass her to me now." I positioned her steadily, biting my lip as she began to feed, breathing a sigh of relief as it wasn't as bad as I'd expected. Lindsey stood awkwardly with his hands in his pockets.
"It's just my tit Lindsey, you've sucked it yourself enough times." His jaw dropped open and I smirked slightly to show him I was kidding. She dropped off again after getting her share of milk, and I began to cry once again at the perfection before me as her little chest rose and fell in my arms, about to speak until I realised Lindsey was fast asleep, his head lolling back off the chair.

The nurse was quiet as she came to take Hannah to the maternity ward to sleep, and saw Lindsey's predicament, though he awoke as I whispered my goodbyes to her. "She's going to sleep now Linds, come say goodbye." He rubbed his eyes and stretched as he came over. I continued sobbing after she'd gone, Lindsey taking me into his arms as we held each other close.
"I will be right by you. All the way."
"I know. I know."
"I am so blessed to love you...I can't believe I've been lucky enough to share a daughter with you. I'm s-so s-sorr-" He began to cry now, taking my face into his hands as we kissed.
"Please don't speak of that, not now."