Why?

XXI

September- October 1998
I managed to fall back to sleep, calling my brother as soon as I woke.
"Hey Stevie, did you sleep well?"
"Reasonably, where are you?"
"I'm eating lunch at the beach, Lindsey's taking a walk with his little boy."
"Last night..."
"He went to your condo."
"Thanks so much Chris...Call me if...If..."
"Don't worry, I'm on it."

A few days passed with sporadic calls from him, largely describing the same events. Lindsey would leave the condo, pick up Will, then return him to his mother in the evening. Chris only recalled seeing Kristen once, getting into her car after Lindsey had left. I began to feel slightly guilty for this scheme, it now becoming quite obvious that Lindsey wasn't intending to backtrack, Chris becoming slightly skeptical of my suspicions, though still swearing to not mention this to anyone- not least our mom. Lindsey's birthday rolled around, and I received a call from him the afternoon after, it only being halfway through the 3rd back in California.

"Happy birthday Lindsey, how is LA?"
"Thanks Stevie, great weather."
"How's William?"
"Oh he's just great, he's grown since..." Then he paused, realising when exactly I had seen him last. "How are you two?"
"We're just fine."
"That's a relief to hear."
"What are you doing today?"
"Jeff's coming down and we're just going for some beers with some of the other guys."
I felt a little sad, imagining how this birthday would've been special for both of us.
"No strippers?"
"No strippers."
"Karen is calling me so I have to go."
"OK, you do what you need to do."
"See you later."
"You too."

***

"He's just around the bar with his brother and a few other guys."
"Are you sure?"
"I've known the man for decades thanks to you. It's him. Plus, he's wearing that stupid fvcking star necklace." I felt a comforting warmth in my chest, remembering the location of my own version of the necklace, somewhere in my closet back at the condo.
"Oh shut up Chris, your fashion sense is whatever fits."
"Look, don't you want me to say hi or something?"
"No. Chris, on no account."
"Ok, ok, whatever. Just relax."
"I can relax when I'm dead."

***

Chris called me in the early hours, assuring me that Lindsey had arrived safely back at the condo. I couldn't help but push in the keys that formed the number of the condo, apparently waking Lindsey.
"Shit Steph what's wrong? Oh god is it the baby?"
"No, no, Lindsey I'm fine, calm down."
"Sorry I just...I was out of it. I can't drink like I used to." His speech was slightly slurred.
"I just wanted to say that...I think you should come home now."
"Home?"
"Yes, home, isn't that what you want?"
"Of course, but right now?"
"No, when it's morning you idiot," I sighed in exasperation, finding his sleepy oblivion a little amusing.
"Uh...Sure, that's fine, I'll just need to book to tickets."
"Karen can sort it all, she'll call you."
"Oh, thanks."
"Goodnight."

***

Chris trailed him after he'd woken and spoken to Karen. He slung his suitcase in the back of a car, travelling to his house where Kristen lived with Will. He entered, assumedly bidding farewell to his son. Once I knew he was in the house, I called his clunky cell.
"Hey," he responded to my greeting.
"Are you ok? Karen said you sorted it all out over the phone."
"Yes we did. I'm just saying goodbye to Will."
"Is she..."
"She's gone the grocery store, when she gets back I'm heading for the airport."
"Ok..."
"Stevie, I promise."
Chris didn't recall seeing Kristen leave the house, so I immediately hung up, a painful lump in my throat, wishing I'd never given him a chance. Minutes later, Chris' number shows up, and I yanked the phone off the receiver.
"She's just walking up to the gates, looks like she didn't drive anywhere so I didn't notice her leave, she must've told him she was heading for some groceries just to get out of his way. She doesn't look too cheerful."
"Oh...I..." I felt a little empathy for this woman. After all, we had both been victims of Lindsey's mistakes, however, she knew he was with me and still touched him. That very much irked me about her, after she had been so smiley and polite with me before. But how could I be vicious - although of course I instinctively was(Lindsey was mine)- after I had spent years of my adult life succumbing to lapses with him while we'd been engaged in other relationships.
"She just typed in the security code at the smaller entrance and she's back into the drive way."
"I can't...I can't see her anymore."
"It's ok Chris, just call me when he's on his way to the airport. Thank-you for this week."