Why?

XXIV

December 1998
"Merry Christmas guys."
"You're having a baby Stevie!" Jess gasped as I walked in.
"Hey Jessie! I am, and you can be like a big sister to her if you like."
"A girl! I haven't seen you in a long time, were you busy making her?" Chris and Lori laughed.
"Yes...That's totally what I was doing. I'm sorry for not being around, did you miss me?"
"Yes."
"I missed you too honey," I crouched to embrace her from the side, my bump making it awkward, but luckily she seemed fascinated by it.
"Where's Lindsey?" She asked excitedly, looking behind me as if expecting him to walk in at any moment.
"Oh he's...Visiting his own family."
"But I am his family!"
"You are, you are of course sweetie, but needed to go see his brothers and his little boy."
"But you're his little girl, he said. That's more important than a smelly boy!"
Chris and Lori were practically in tears at this point.
"I am, but it's ok because I'll see him very soon, and we can talk over the phone." I hid a smirk.
At that very moment, my cell buzzed in my pocket.
"One moment Jessie, I'll play with you in a moment ok?"
She nodded enthusiastically and bounded off to her toy box.
I closed the front door behind me, sitting on the swinging chair on the porch as I answered the call.
"Did you arrive safely?" Lindsey asked.
"Yes, I just said to hi to everyone. Jess is missing you, but she's excited about the baby."
"That's sweet, I wish I could be there, with Will too."
"One day you will be able to, we'll get there."

***

Christmas came and went, it being impossible not to become infected with the joy of the little girl in the house, me especially as I envisaged next year. I couldn't help but feel a little bereft without Lindsey however, despite how difficult things had been between us that year. My head began to ache halfway through Boxing Day dinner, but mom insisted that I finish the food, becoming nauseous as I ate. I headed for the staircase, wanting to lie down for a while, but I didn't make it, having to vomit in the toilet. I continued for a good while before I called out, mom rushing in. "Oh Stevie, I'm sorry."
"No mom it's not the food it's...This happened yesterday...I."
"Then why didn't you say? Stevie!"
"I thought it was just a one-off! Please don't...Not now...Oh god..." I bawled my eyes out as I had to lean over the bowl again, leaning back to breathe as my mom rubbed my back.
Then, everything went black.