Why?

XXXII

June 1999

Lindsey left me with Hannah at the beginning of the month. We hadn't really spoken about what we'd be doing when he came back, or when exactly he would. He called everyday but I still worried. About him, about Hannah, about us. Karen was a big help but it wasn't the same as having Lindsey with me. Hannah seemed to cry more without him. One afternoon I'd slept for all of two hours the previous night, Hannah waking several times in the night, and I had no one to help me- Karen being off for the day.

"Please, please shush baby mommy isn't well," I begged her quietly as I cried too, still soothing her against my chest.
Just as her restlessness subsided, the phone rang shrilly beside us and she opened her eyes wide, bawling so my head was ripped to shreds.
"Hello?" I asked with no pretence of warmth as I balanced the receiver between my chin and shoulder.
"Stevie? Oh is she upset?"
"Yes she's upset Lindsey, she's a baby!"
"I'm sorry Steves I ju-"
"Maybe you'd know she gets upset if you were actually around."
I let the phone fall the the floor and smash, instantly regretting the decision as Lindsey's voice leaves me but still rings through my brain. I'd have to get Karen to drive out and buy a new one, feeling incredibly immature.
"Oh Hannah what have I done?"

Both of us fell asleep beside each other as the sun went down, tears dry on our cheeks. I woke groggily to find her bassinet empty, hyperventilating as I searched the upstairs rooms in horror. Once I'd scoured every corner of the second floor, I tiptoed toward the stairs, all at once recognising the telltale sound of the picking of guitar strings that almost massaged my ears.
"What are you doing here?" I ask him as I find both of them in the lounge, Hannah now in his arms as he adored her from above. He spoke my name as he looked up.
"I needed to see you were OK."
"Don't you have a show in Oregon tonight?"
"Yeh I...Need to get back soon." I sat beside him, leaning down to allow Hannah to grip my finger with her tiny hand.
"How long ha-"
"A few hours, I didn't want to wake you."
"But you're leaving so soon, you should have...I can sleep later," I softened as I realised the effort he'd gone to just to rush to us after a little spat from me. Straightening up to speak, my face ended up closer to his than I'd anticipated  his eyes fixed on me as we freeze.
"I miss you," he speaks sincerely.
"I love you," I reply.
I had seldom touched him after what he did to me by this point, but in that moment all was forgotten and finally forgiven, because I needed him and I realised again just how much he needed me.

Hannah was luckily quite happy in her crib as we rushed to the guest room closest to her as a precaution. I cry and cry onto him as we lie breathless a while later. More times than I could count, he told me so many beautiful things and I had to believe him.