Why?

XXXI

March 1999
I waltzed in relaxed and clear-headed from a day at the spa, my first real time spent away from Hannah since her birth. Lindsey was asleep on the couch with the baby monitor rising and falling in sync with his chest, several guitars leant on the wall opposite. He jumped as my heels sounded against the hard flooring, dropping the monitor.
"Tired?" I asked, raising a brow.
"I only just managed to get her to nap. Baby she was screaming, Karen is making calls at the end of the garden."
"Regret letting me out of my cage?"
"Don't be silly, you deserve it."
"How about this record of yours?"
"It's going well, it'll be time to mix soon."
"I haven't heard much of it, I'd like to."
"That's...Great, you can come listen tomorrow."
"I don't think it's a good idea for me to risk being seen with you Linds."
"Oh...OK..."
"Sorry."
"Don't be, it's my fault right?"
"Don't be like that Lindsey," I whispered, snuggling up on his lap, smothering his cheeks with chaste little kisses.
"OK, OK, I yield!"
"Your sword valiant knight?"
He shook his head, kissing me properly as his hands moved up my shirt- further than we'd gotten in a long time.
"Um..." We heard a voice and flew off each other.
"Karen? Uh, yes?" I asked.
"Just passing through boss," she winked.
"Uh Steph..."
"Yeh Linds," I answered in a sultry tone, doing my best to continue to appear desirable.
"Your, uh..." He gestured to my middle where half my breast was hanging out.
"Oh for god's sake! You could've told me that when Karen walked in!" I huffed, pulling up my shirt and crossing my arms in frustration.
"I didn't realise!" He smirked, "Wish I had."
"You're disgusting," I spat, standing up.
"Stevie? Babe? I was kidding around!" He touched my hand as I walked off. I turned to say something but Hannah's cries blared though the baby monitor and I rushed upstairs.
"Oh Hannah my sweetheart, what's wrong?" She hushed slightly as she rested her head on my chest, opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish.
"Oh you're hungry baby, just give me a second."
She continued to bawl, obviously being too young to understand my words, but her tears dried quickly as she took her milk from me. Cleaning up, I winded her against me, rolling my eyes as I felt her sick-up a little onto my blouse.
"Silly mommy forgot her towel didn't she?" I cursed as she smiled, her eyes wide open as I wiped away the mess around her little lips. "I missed you today little one," both of our breathing patterns relaxed as I held her against me, stroking her silky hair. "You are the most special thing in the entire world, yes, even when you scream like a banshee!"
She giggled as if she knew I was poking fun at her, and I lay her down on her play mat, lying beside her as she reached for various toys. Looking after a baby was hard work, but now I realised waiting so long for this unique joy had to have been my biggest mistake.

"Ste- aww she's playing." Lindsey entered behind me, sitting cross-legged on the other side of the her as she shifted to look at him, reaching out her tiny hands.
"She knows who her daddy is," I sniggered.
"Hey there honey, did you sleep well? I hope you did, so you can wake me up in the middle of the night again and we can party while your mom sleeps through the whole thing."
"Linds."
"I'm just saying, you really missed out last night, we were watching VH1 at like 2am, she only fell asleep when Don Henley came on."
"Oh shut up," I told him, throwing my head back with a giggle.

***

Lindsey drove down to the studio as I made dinner, aiming to collect some tapes for me to listen to, only returning by the time his food was too cold to eat.
"I'm back!"
"Don't yell, she's winding down."
"Shit."
"Where have you been? Me and Karen already ate, you'll have to reheat yours now and it won't taste as good."
"Sorry Steves, but I just had to finish this son-"
"No you didn't have to. You chose to, just like you choose everything over me."
"What is up with you?"
"Just leave me alone, I'll be in my room," I raged, meaning my special room on one corner of the second floor, with a view of both the city and the mountains. In there I kept my grand piano and most of my other 'creative' items. When I'd secretly purchased the place for me and Lindsey, I'd assumed it would be our bedroom.
I took a baby monitor up with me, and before I knew it the sun was down and Hannah was weeping through it. Luckily she just needed a quick nappy change, and was already falling back to sleep as I changed her. I found Lindsey waiting by the window of my room when I returned.
"Did I say you could come in here?"
"I have something for you," he passed me a small cassette and I rolled my eyes, gesturing for him to leave. He nodded and left, leaving me seething as he'd left the door open slightly. Shutting it firmly, I continued another one of my paintings, humming a tune and writing down a few words every minute or so. Eventually I buckled, sticking the tape that kept coming into my line of sight in my player-wondering if the scribbled initials of SUD on its sticker were some homage to a possible title- and shoving headphones on as I went to sit in the window.
To this day it is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. And I knew he'd written it for me.
Once it finished I placed the headphones on my desk; blew out candles; flicked off my Tiffany lamp; and wandered into the master bedroom, finding Lindsey half naked and snoring on his side. I stripped down into my underwear, lying against him and feeling his chest with my hands as he slaps his lips- deep in sleep. This man has hurt me so much, but he has given me so much more.