Why?

XIV

September 1998
"Stevie, sweetheart." My mom entered the house with Karen.
"Hi, how was the flight?" I smiled as we embraced each other.
"God you know I hate those things, and so many hours! What a waste of the day!"
"Tea Barbara?" Karen asked.
"Oh yes please darling." Karen left and we sat down, me closing up my journal and slipping it between the cushion and arm of the couch.
"You've seen the...Uh...News?" She asked tentatively.
"Yes. I have."
"Stevie he loves you, I know he does, you two just need a big t-"
"Mom. I am telling you, please stay out of this," I demanded, my voice cracking as I continued,"Please, just...Let me think." She rubbed my back as I lay on her shoulder.
"Stephanie, I know, I know."
"You don't, your marriage was perfect."
"That's an exaggeration."
"You know what I mean. Lindsey didn't even really ask me, we just spoke about it more recently."
"Well even if he has married this...This girl, I mean...You're having his child, Stephanie."
"She did first though."
***
Days passed and my mom got increasingly irritated with my indecisiveness and stubbornness. For around a week we stayed in the same house, barely interacting. On the eighth day of our disagreement she started yelling at me to finish my dinner. "I am not a six year-old girl anymore mom!"
"You have a baby girl inside you, and I expect you to eat properly for her!" I had no rational argument, and so I finished the meal, dropping the dishes in the sink before I escaped from her disapproving looks. I sat on the back porch, closing my eyes and taking deep breaths as the small breeze played against my bangs, letting my hand wander to my abdomen where a small bump was visible to me. I imagined a little girl with blue eyes and bourbon curls: in my arms in the hospital; crawling across her cot and reaching her little hands through the bars; her first word- to me or him-; her hair in little pigtails before her first day at school; riding her first bike. I felt ashamed of my resignation and anger toward my own mom, and returned back inside the house, calling for her. She was talking, facing someone in the hallway. He turned to lock eyes with me, then glanced between my face and where my hand was placed. I darted it out of sight. "No...No...Don't come near me!" I begged.
"Steph, I'm begging you please..." I shook my head as the tears came thick and fast.
"You told him didn't you?" I asked my mother. "How could you let him set foot here?"
"Stephanie! This is an innocent child we are talking about! You need to solve this!" She exited the hallway, leaving me to face his solemn, blue gaze alone.