03.14.2016
Dear Shawn,
I'm going to vent yet again. About you. So again, I apologize in advance. When I get upset because of something that has to do with you, you get upset and become distant. I wish you would fight for me for once. You haven't fought for me in a long time...
And I really wish that you would be romantic with me once in a while. I love those random cute texts. I would love just random paragraphs or letters telling me how much you love me and that you never want to leave or something. I want random flowers or candy or presents. I want to see you in the morning at school and have you walk up to me and hug me and kiss me and tell me you love me in front of everyone. I want spontaneous. I want surprises and cute little romantic things. I want those stupid things. I don't want to know exactly what you're getting me for Christmas or Valentine's Day or my birthday. I want surprises. I want to get fake-mad at you for not telling me what you're getting me. I want to feel special and loved, as stupid as that sounds. Honestly, a small note written on a post-it note and put underneath a Dr. Pepper is perfect in its own way.
Just in case you don't get that reference, it's from 3 February 2016. I had color guard practice after school, and you had to leave for the late bus. You walked by us in the concourse without saying goodbye, and I cut practice short so I could talk to you. I got to H4 and was putting on my all-black Converse when I saw you note underneath the Dr. Pepper from Wawa next to my backpack. That was what made me say yes. Yes to when you said you didn't want to wait until Valentine's Day to get back together. I was still upset at that point about you & her, but that note gave me hope.
"Here you go love, Im sorry I couldnt say good bye to you face to face, I love you, PS I hope you got the dr pepper"
I don't know if I would've said yes otherwise, honestly.
I miss those days. I miss when people would tell us we were so cute. I miss being romantic. I miss being us.
So that's pretty much my venting for now. I'm sure there will be more to come, due to the fact that I can't let things go. I really wish I could just say these things to you, but alas, I can't... I'm afraid of what you'd say... I'm afraid you won't care...
Remember when I said I hope this doesn't turn into a goodbye letter? Well, I think it might soon... I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Connor is already tired of me. I'm just gonna stop talking to him. That's probably not going to last long though. I'm not strong enough to stop bothering people.
What should I do? I'm just tired... But I really want you to know that I love you so so so much, Shawn. And I miss us being us.
