03.31.2016
Dear Shawn,
I just took the test. I'm not pregnant, love. We're okay for now :). But we need to start using protection. Or we should wait a while before going all the way again.
I wish you could've been there love. I felt so weird taking it in the middle of 4th period. I wish you could've been there. You said you were scared downstairs (at lunch), but I don't really know much about it. We were both alone going through it, and I don't like that. We both went through the same thing, and it affected us both, but I felt so alone in there. I just wanted to be able to hold your hand or something... I don't know...
I think that if the test said I was preggers, I would've just told you I cheated on you or something right as I saw you after 4th. Actually, I probably wouldn't have, but I don't want it to ever have to be your problem. You don't deserve to ever be dragged down like that. You have a life and a bright future, and that would all be thrown away in seconds. I know you want (or at least wanted) to be in ROTC in college, but you can't if you have a dependent, which in this case would be a kid. And maybe we'd have to get married or something. I probably wouldn't be able to finish high school, which means I wouldn't get a good job, so we'd have to depend on a McDonald's income. Your mom would kick you out, so where would you go? My house? If I were a mom, I'd have to live with Jim. He has the money and the space. You would never be able to see your friends again. We would spend every day sleep deprived. We would probably just fight all the time. You'd probably leave us or just resent ever being with me and letting me ruin you.
I don't think I could do that. I can't do that to you. I can't do that to you. I would never be able to live with myself. It's not okay.
But it doesn't matter now.
I remember I used to want to get pregnant. Then maybe I'd have a reason to stay around longer. Then someone would depend on me and need me to stay alive to care for them.
It's stupid, I know. But it's similar to the reason I first had sex. I was so emotionally numb to everything, and I just wanted to feel something. So I was stupid. And I did stuff. And I felt something finally, but it wasn't good. That was when I first contemplated going inpatient. The only reason I didn't at the time is because my therapist at the time told me that I'd have to do family therapy with my father. So obviously, I decided not to go in.
Remember when we planned to get married? We set a date, too: April 26, 2018, the day after I turn 18. You don't say you want to be with me forever anymore...
(later)
Do you still want to marry me? Do you still want to spend the rest of eternity holding my hand? Do you still want to have a family with me? I hope so...
I don't know why I keep bringing that up. I guess it's just been on my mind because of the whole situation.
I don't think I've actually said this before, but I really wish you hadn't left. Now every time we're even slightly distant, I'm terrified one of us is going to give up like that again. I don't want to lose you. Are you ever scared of losing me? Or do you expect me to always just be here waiting for you, sticking by you?
This is stupid, I'm sorry. I don't know what else to talk about. I feel like I have to censor what I write because now I know you're going to read this. I don't want to worry you or make you upset, so I'm trying to keep out the bad things.
"I love you so much Kathleen I'm sorry for
anything I've ever done to make you upset I
just wish you would have said these things to
me it would have made me realize how much
of a fuckup I am and how I need to
communicate with you more, I'm sorry for
everything I've done that has made you
upset I just wish you could forgive me
yours forever and this forever is until the end
of my life
Shawn <3"
02.29.2016 11:29pm
You wrote that the day you went through my phone because I was going to throw it against a wall so I gave it to you. You went through everything in two class periods apparently.
I know I sound so freaking clingy (yet again), but I miss you, Shawn <3
