03.01.2017
Shawn,
I love you.
I still don't know what's going on with us. But I think that's okay. I'm sorry for continually texting you earlier. I was scared that you were going to do something bad to yourself, but I knew that it was probably worse that I kept texting you so I stopped. I was still worried about you though, so I passed by McDonald's on my way home after school to make sure your car was there and I was so happy to see your mom's car parked outside (your battery died this morning so you drove her car today).
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I told myself I wouldn't cry over this. But I've been looking through our old messages and pictures and now I'm really sad.
Fuck. No. I told myself not to fight for you but goddammit Shawn I want you to stay. I need you in my life. You're my best friend and I can't let you leave. Yeah, I have other friends, but they're not you. No one can replace you. No one.
I told myself not to do this, but I don't want to live without you. I don't want to lose contact with you when you go to college and always wonder what could've happened. I promised you my life and I'm not breaking that promise. I still imagine getting my first apartment with you and training myself to sleep on my side so you can be comfortable.
Dammit I really didn't want to cry but I can't stand the thought of losing you.
I have to go now because I can't really see what I'm writing anymore so I'll write again tomorrow... I love you...
And for the love of God,
Please stay.
