03.30.2016
Dear Shawn,
I don't think I'm going to let you read this anymore. We're not so good right now. And I'd really rather not have you read this, at least for today...
So last night we had the conversation and there was a part when I was typing for 20 minutes, but I cut a lot out. So here's the rest starting from where I left off:
"I've stopped reaching out for help, because I know you probably won't respond or you'll get upset and I'm terrified that you won't even care. I wish I had other people to talk to, but all I really have anymore is Emily, Cynthia, and you. Emily's life is literally her boyfriend now. the only reason I was able to even see her over break is because he was looking at colleges for a few days and she complained about how her life was her plants when he was gone for three days. Cynthia isn't allowed to have a life, so she only really has her boyfriend because he can drive and he has a car so that's the only reason she can even see him. and I don't see you much outside of school anymore. I'm not trying to make you upset it's just that I see all these couples doing cute shit with each other and for each other and I miss seeing you more than 4 hours and all we do now is watch tv and have sex. it's just completely different these days and every time I see other people do stuff like that, I get upset and I miss you and I know I shouldn't compare our relationship to other relationships, but it's hard not to. and it's just getting hard to convince myself that there's a purpose in me getting up in the mornings and caking on makeup to try and make myself feel better when no one else even notices - and I know you're supposed to feel good about yourself without having to depend on other people to compliment you, but it's not that easy - and I get up and I go to class after class and sometimes I'm able to be okay or alright or smile at little things, but I'm alone with these voices in my head disagreeing with every positive thing that comes my way. I've forgotten what my own voice sounds like at this point. i don't find much of a purpose in getting up when I know I'm just going to go to bed 17-18 hours later feeling exactly the same way I feel every night - utterly alone. and when I ask to FaceTime, it's not really because I want to talk to you for hours and keep you up, it's that I just want to hear you tell me you love me before I have to let my mind take over in my sleep. I just want to hear your breathing so I don't feel so alone when you're sleeping and I'm still trying to fall asleep. I just want to know you're there, and it doesn't feel nearly the same over text. I'm sorry..."
Aaaand that's it. I'm not sure you'll even care, but still... I don't know...
I love you, and we're better now, so maybe I'll let you read this. But you have to work right after school and I have a meeting, so I don't know if you'll be able to read it today, since I want to be there when you read this. So I guess I'll let you read it tomorrow maybe. But tomorrow is when I'm taking the test.
Oh yeah - by the way, I still haven't gotten my period yet. It's now four days late. And my friend is bringing in a test for me tomorrow (I don't know if I've put that in here already, I probably have).
So now you're at work and I'm still at school. It's only 3 though. And I've been sufficiently excluded from all conversations. I don't know why I take everything so personally all the time. I just hate this. There are so many time when I just feel like everyone hates me or just wishes I weren't there. They probably would be better off if I disappeared or just died.
Shit - no. I can't keep thinking like this. I can't keep feeling like this.
I don't think everyone realizes that I do notice the snide comments and the whispers and the dirty looks. No one realizes that I'm not blind, I'm not deaf. Maybe things would just be easier if I let the bad things happen. Maybe someone would understand. I doubt it, but maybe...
I wish things could just be easier or simpler. I wish Mother Nature would do the deed for me.
Why do I let myself go there?
Why am I telling you?
Blase and Bhatia and all them would probably be pissed because they would have to train a new Finance OIC and get a new SLA OIC. And they'd have to get all my uniform stuff back. And oh my! - the scandals would put too much pressure on them. How could someone ever do that to them?
Please don't be scared that I'm going to do something to myself. I would reach out to someone or say something. I'm too selfish to leave without damaging someone's conscience. Because that's what it is, right? It's selfish, right? And I have nothing to be sad about. I have a stable family: I have a mom who supports me and a father who still pays my bills. I have two older sisters who tell me how much they care on the rare occasion that they visit. I have an amazing, awesome, (sexy), boyfriend who never lets me go a day without hearing that he loves me. I have good grades in school. I have supportive friends. I have medication that's supposed to work. I'm surrounded by good thoughts, so I don't have a reason to be sad.
Then why am I so sad..?
I think I might start writing letters again. I think I might write them every year for the anniversary of my last attempt (when I wrote the letters). I don't know why, but the idea is comforting. I guess just in case anything ever happens, I have "current" letters for people. And maybe so I can go through all of them whenever, just to look back at things or to see where I am and how I've changed or to see how the people in my life have changed. I'm not even sure if I'm going to do it, so please don't get worried.
