04.07.2016
Dear Shawn,
... writing your note yesterday (when I started to write that sentence). I don't mean this letter. I mean like a goodbye note. It's not exactly a goodbye, per say, but something for you if something happens to me.
I want to leave you something more than just a note on my Google Docs. I want to leave you a physical object, but I don't know what.
I want to leave you my father's ring on my necklace, but I doubt you'll wear it ever or that it will mean much to you. I might actually ask you later today about that. I dunno.
The second bad thing is that I hurt myself again yesterday. I don't really know why. I think I was upset for some really stupid reason yet again. Or I was upset but I didn't know how to feel, so it happened. In the girls' bathroom across from H4. With a pen spring.
If you ever see me playing with another pen spring, please take it from me. I don't care if you have to pry it out of my hands. I don't care if I get upset or I cry or yell. Right now I am begging this of you: Please take it from me by any means necessary. Thank you love.
Today has just sucked, I think. The rain has just kind of put me off. I don't feel much. I'm literally just walking through the day, not knowing what emotions I should be feeling. So I just kind of default to bitch mode or being generally upset.
I don't know what I'm supposed to feel right now. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel or what to think when I see you with her.
I know I'm a jealous little bitch. But I swear you guys make eye contact or sit across from each other or agree on something and I immediately feel like shit.
I think that's what I'm feeling now. I'm not sure. This is difficult.
I don't want to die.
As of right now.
I think.
I don't really know what to say. I don't really what what I feel. I just know that I'm upset. Because of you, kind of. Because of her. Because of everything. I don't know...
