Sara's Trilemma

The Unending Circle

"What are they doing here?" I hissed to Kush, although being in an earshot from my parents.

He shrugged while keeping the positive smile. Tanya, on the other hand, pushed me forward towards them and told me to get over it.

They both rose and looked at me with a pitiful gaze. Meanwhile, my dad came forward in his well-tailored suit and greying hair.

"Hello, Sweetie," he mumbled with a tentative smile. I noticed new prominent lines at the corner of his eyes. It had been almost fifteen months since we talked last.

I quickly averted my gaze from the pretentious sad eyes and took a succession of shallow breaths, trying to form my mind. "Why are you here?" I began, not looking his way.

"Baby..." my mom called from the back. The same old yearning filled me instantly, it was the magic of mother's voice, even if the mother had been careless.

"When will you get that I don't want to see you anymore?" I raised my voice, the tone of irritability laced it.

"Why Sara?" she mumbled with a meek voice. "We said we felt terrible about what we put you through. You must understand that it was inevitable. And we are your birth parents. We care about you. We love you. Most of all, when you were gone, we missed you terribly. We can't afford to lose you too."

"I don't want to talk about it," I shouted back, now locking my gaze with my mother. Her tall form was upright as always, though there were distinctive shadows under her clear black eyes. Her impeccable dressing sense was unchanged. She wore beige silk sari with her hair short.

"But why Sara?" interjected my father, stepping forward.

"Because I am not ready to talk with you yet, maybe never will be. Whatever! Why are you even here? Did you drop by just to see me? And why were you both calling last few days?"

"We wanted to meet you for so long. And maybe convince you to come back home," she mumbled.

"Why do you keep calling that house, my home? It's not. Nani's house is my home. This is my home. And this is my family," I gestured towards Kush and Tanya.

"But that also is your house, your old bedroom we decorated recently in your favourite colour. We have put Italian furnishing with silk sheets and your old collection of guitars."

"Will you just leave me alone?" I asked, exasperated.

"You are part of us, darling. And we have changed," he paused. "Let's make a new beginning."

"No. I haven't forgotten about her. I never will," I sobbed, unable to hold onto the uneasiness which was bursting out.

"We have neither, darling," mom sobbed, her eyes wet. "Just come back home."

"See yourself out," I said in a distinct voice and walked off, and ran into the bedroom slamming the door shut.

As soon as I felt my body against the sheets, I cried helplessly, not knowing what to think or what to feel. Frantically, I searched for a photograph which lay under my bed. It was a long time since I saw it, afraid of the dread it brought me. But now, as the old memories flashing before me, compelled me to retrieve it and cry out even more.

Finally as I brought the image before me, I lost my last inhibition and broke into hysterical sobs. I looked at my blue-eyed baby sister smiling brightly into the camera. Her curls and round spectacles and sweet smile brought all the anguish and dread back to me. She was only five when she died, such pretty girl, such innocence, God had been cruel. The tears evaded my strong self, uncovering the vulnerable little girl, who couldn't be there when her sister died.