Hindi ko inakala na isang beses ko lang mabubuhat ang anak ko, hindi ko inakala na kinuha agad siya ng Diyos, hindi ko inakala na hindi ko man lang maririnig ang tawa niya, hindi ko man lang makikita ang paglaki niya, hindi ko man lang makikita ang pag-iyak niya, hindi ko man lang naiparamdam ang pagmamahal ng isang pamilya. He was gone. His body was as cold as an ice, as stiff as a dead body.
And I'm not the only one hurting, even Eral is. Even my family is. Even her family. I was excited for Frost to be born, but why did it all have to be this way? I wanted to hear my baby boy's voice, I want to watch him grow up, I want to show him what was the world like in a beautiful light, I wanted him to live.
Pero pinagkait pa.
He was just a baby boy, why did it happen so fast? Why did he have to die in an instant?
Hinawakan ni Eral ang kamay ko, she was wearing a black dress as I was wearing a black tuxedo for our son's burial, tumingin ako sa kanya, mugtong mugto ang kanyang mga mata, I couldn't help myself but hug my wife as the ceremonial for Frost's death was ongoing, tears were falling on her cheeks. I felt the stabbing pain in my heart knowing I couldn't do anything to stop her from crying. I never felt so useless, so weak again.
Kakalabas lang niya kahapon, I know that she's still not in the state to attend the burial but she did, she felt like she had to even if her body was still weak after the labor, doon ko na rin napansin na may malaki siyang eyebags.
"I never thought I would watch our son's burial so fast..." Her voice broke, humigpit ang hawak ko sa kanya, trying to stop the tears building inside my eyes. Kailangan kong magpakatatag, para kay Eral.
"Everything happened so fast..." Mahinang sagot ko at saka ko siya niyakap mula sa upuan namin, hindi nagtagal at oras na para isa isa kaming maglagay ng bendisyon at puting rosas sa mismong hukay ng anak namin kung saan nasa ilalim na siya, pagkatapos ng bendisyon ay matatakpan na siya ng lupa.
Eral moved like a zombie as she shower a holy water inside the grave of Frost, nilagay na niya rin ang hawak niyang puting rosas at tumulo na rin ang kanyang mga luha, tuluyan na siyang lumuhod, she was having a breakdown, mabilis akong lumapit saka nanghihinang niyakap siya.
"Hindi ko kaya, Ice. Hindi ko kaya."
"You have to be strong... we can't say goodbye to our son with a sad face, right? Let's smile for him..." Tila ba kinain ko na ang sarili kong mga salita. How can I even smile after my son died?
Hinigpitan ko ang pagyakap ko sa aking asawang umiiyak na, sinubsob niya ang kanyang ulo sa dibdib ako, lumapit na rin sina Tita Freia at Tito Emerald para pakalmahin ang anak nila, marami na ring lumapit at pumalibot sa kanya kaya natanggal ang yakap ko sa kanya. Sina Mama at Papa naman ay tahimik lang na niyakap ako.
Humihikbi lang si Eral, tumingala siya sa kalangitan, "bakit Niyo kinuha ang anak ko? Bakit hindi na lang ako?" Sigaw niya, hindi ko namalayan na tuluyan na palang tumulo ang mga luha na kanina ko pang pinipigilan. I just couldn't take it anymore.
I pushed my way through the crowd trying to calm Eral, nang abot ko na siya ay hinila ko siya at niyakap, "please... let me see Frost..." she cried, "please let me see my son for the last time."
"We can't..." I said in a low sad voice, tinignan namin ang dating butas na wala na, he was already buried a meter below.
Hinaplos ko ang likod ng asawa ko, "we have to be happy for him, for Frost..." I whispered, "we have to do this for our baby..."
She nodded but continued to cry, nang matapos na ang burial ay umalis na lahat ng taong dumalo, kami naman ni Eral ay agad na sumakay sa kotse ko, nagmaneho ako pauwi, nang nakarating kami sa bahay ay agad kong inalalayan si Eral, she was still weak and all that but she managed to attend.
Dahil sa kulang sa tulog si Eral kaya pinainom ko siya ng sleeping pills, pinagmasdan ko siya na mahimbing na natutulog, nagulat ako dahil habang nasa kalagitnaan siya ng pagtulog ay may mga luhang tumutulo sa kanyang nakapikit mata, agad ko namang pinunasan ang kanyang mga luha at saka siya hinalikan sa noo.
Hinawakan ko ang nanlalamig niyang kamay bago umalis sa kwarto para magluto ng dinner.
Natigil ako sa harap ng kwarto ni Frost na nadadaanan lagi namin kapag pumupunta kami sa kwarto namin, nagdalawang isip pa ako kung pipihitin ko ang busol ng pinto nito at pumasok, nagbuntong hininga na lang ako at tuluyan nang pumasok.
Pinagmasdan ko ang asul na kwarto, may mga snowflakes na pinta, pinagmasdan ko ang crib, if he was still alive would he be sleeping inside the crib right now? Or would Eral be breastfeeding him? Would he be playing with the stuff toy of Jack Frost? A lot of happy outcomes came into my mind and I smiled, only to be instantly ruined by the fact that he was gone for good.
Naglakad ako at saka ko binuksan ang cabinet wherein all of our son's stuffs remain.
Umiling na lang ako at saka lumabas sa kwarto, I closed the door and I felt like I heard a child's voice laughing, binuksan ko muli ang pinto only to be greeted by silence, kumuyom ang kamao ko at saka tuluyan nang lumabas at bumaba para magluto.
"Sir, kami na po magluto." Biglang sulpot ng tatlo naming kasambahay, "magpahinga po muna kayo kasama ni Ma'am Flemeral, kami na po ang bahala." Tumango naman ako at hinayaan ang tatlo na magluto, alam nila ang pinagdadaanan namin ni Eral dahil naging saksi sila sa kung paano namin minahal si Frost kahit na nasa dinadalang-tao pa lang siya ni Eral. They know that but still, the pain was too much.
Naglakad ako pataas ng hagdan nang may narinig akong iyak sa loob ng kwarto ni Frost, agad ko itong binuksan at nakita si Eral doon, "Frost... my baby..." She cried as she hug into the Jack Frost toy, I felt my heart breaking into pieces.
Tumingin siya sa akin habang luhaan, "you'll file an annulment to me now, right? Because our son is gone... there's no more need for us to be together... will you leave me too?"
Naglakad ako palapit sa kanya saka ko siya niyakap, "I love you, Eral and I will love you until your hair looks like mine, I will never leave you, I made a vow."
"Mahal din kita..." She cried.
"You have my heart now, Eral. You have it." Hinayaan ko siyang isubsob ang mukha niya sa dibdib ko, I closed my eyes.
"I'm sorry, Ice... I'm sorry kasi hindi ko siya pinanganak na buhay... I-I'm really-"
I stopped her with a kiss, "ssh, it's not your fault... he's happy now..."
"I love you, Ice..." I wiped her tears with a sad smile.
"I love you too, baby. I love you too."
