My Reason [NamJin]

Ch.17

The doctor stared at me with blank glassy eyes, glazed over like he was a doll. I looked back down at the lily in my hands, grazing my thumb over a single petal. A small sigh escaped my lips as I looked back up at the doctor. He was writing something down in his little notebook. 

"During your coma like state, the doctors said you kept saying the name of a man. At random times you would also jerk around and they would have to put you in a straight jacket to keep you from hurting yourself. Do you remember any of those things Jin?" He looked up from his file up at me. I blinked as I looked back down. N-Namjoon wasn't real? He was just a dream?  I held back my tears and shook my head. 

"Jin. I don't know what you're going through. I can't help unless you tell me" He said with a soft voice. My head jolted up to look at him, lip quivering. 

"Help? You think what you're doing is helping? You're telling me things I already know. All you're gonna do is tell me I have problems and you're gonna pump me full of drugs to keep me 'calm.' All its gonna do is gonna make me woozy so you people don't have to deal with me" My voice shakey and quivery the entire time. The doctor sighed and looked down. 

I stood up when the nurse came in. I followed her out silently.

She took me outside to the little recreational ares, people attempting to play sports. I quietly sat down on a bench, still holding the flower. The one Namjoon gave me. I sniffled softly and blinked away my tears. As single tear drop landed on a petal, rolled off and fell onto the grass. I closed my eyes tightly and let out a shaky breath. 

I stood and started to wander around, crying silently. I didn't have Namjoon anymore, I didn't have a reason to live anymore. He was my reason to keep going, to see his face everyday. In my 'dream' I was so close to giving up. I wanted to die. After I met him, every breath began to get easier; smoother. It was easier to wake up in the morning, and to go to sleep at night; knowing in the morning I could see him and all my fears would fade. 

I closed my eyes and tried to avoid the memories, which would only depress me more. I looked up and headed to the lake when I saw it. I walked onto the dock and looked down into the water. Fog rolled off the surface from the cold air. I sat down on the edge of the dock and touched the surface of the water, making tiny waves ripple. I smiled lightly to myself. 

I looked around the lake, it was completely hidden by trees and bushes. I sighed softly and looked back down onto the water. I looked into my own eyes, they seemed so broken and sad now. I looked away from my reflection, looking over at the flower next to my hand. I grabbed the stem and lifted it up to my face, I examined the pattern on the inside before looking back at the water. 

I took a deep breathe before standing up on the edge of the dock, my back facing the water, and clutching the flower to my chest. I took one last deep breath. 

I'll see you in my dreams Namjoon, hopefully.