You & I~Muke

-Michael-

excited for y'all to read this, it's super long (3000 words) to make up for like 10 days lol, i wouldve updated yesterday but i fuCKING SAW SHAWN MENDES AND YEAH, NEEDLESS TO SAY IT WAS FUCKING CRAZY AND I CRIED HELLA LOADS LMAO BUT LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF THIS CHAPTER PLEASE:)

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Birthdays have never been my favourite things, to be completely honest.

I don't know why, and I think it's when I sit down and think about it, it's because I'm one year older. One year closer to old age and to the end of all of this, and what's the point of being happy when one day it won't matter?

When I have these laughs and these smiles and this sadness and this regret but one day it won't matter.

Not really.

"Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to Michael, happy birthday to you," I open my eyes fully now, to an open door and Luke with the boys and dad.

I force a smile, wiping my eyes and wiping away my tiredness.

There's a chocolate cake in front of me, a few candles and lots and lots of frosting that makes me smile.

I like frosting.

"T-t-thank you," I say, and my arms feel heavy as they push me up in bed.

Ashton and Calum sit on the edge of my bed, while Luke places himself next to me.

He gives my hand a squeeze.

I blow out the candles, a lump in my throat that I seem to hate myself for it.

Just a little bit.

My dad walks out the room to go and cut the cake, which I don't really want to eat at all, and I snuggle further into my boyfriend.

I'm quiet, and I know Luke's probably talked to the boys and said something that I don't like these kind of days, and so has my dad.

"Are you okay?" the blond chirps and I nod, not saying much; only because of the small and simple fact I don't want to- because this is the first birthday without Emily and oh how fun, I've survived another year.

"I'm f-fine," I say, fiddling with my thumbs, and I look around my room at the Polaroid's and the fairy lights and I wonder what it would be like if she was here.

If she was sitting next to me and would I be happier?

I mean, I know I have Luke and don't get me wrong I love him more than anyone, but no body could ever replace Emily; the girl who was always smiling, even when she was dying.

Even when she was fading slowly so slowly and I don't know if it's worse to slowly see someone evaporate or for them to disappear just like that, before you can say anything else.

And they're gone.

I pause and blink back tears.

I don't know what's worse; what's less painful.

"d'you want to open some presents?" Ashton chirps, obviously sensing my dark emotion.

I nod numbly, growing to my feet; I slip on a sweater, even though it's summer and pull the sleeves down.

The carpet feels cold under my feet, but it's soft beneath my toes and I just want to sleep the day away.

When I walk into the front room, there's about ten presents sitting near the radiator and I scuttle over there, still holding on tightly to Luke, who's thumb is tracing patterns on the inside of my palm, calming me a little bit.