The Planet of Retarded Possums And Other Majestic Shit

Hazmat Raccoon Has A Mission

Bean stayed with Shane and Steve inside the jail cell. During the next few hours she got ahold of a crayon and scribbled everywhere, ate a bag of kettle corn, and won every arm wrestling match against all the cops in the building. However she failed against Shane and Steve, because Bean is weird like that. At 4:00 pm the next day, the trio were surprised to see Hazmat Raccoon stopping by for a visit.

"Hello Steve," Hazmat Raccoon said, "made some new friends I see".

"Es a raccoon!" Bean squealed, looking at Shane. "Yes Bean, that is indeed a raccoon. A very fat raccoon," Shane said, surprised that raccoons got this big in space.

"I prefer the term 'sexy' over 'fat', my good friend," Hazmat Raccoon replied. "Oh so you're a feminist,' said Steve. Shane muttered something else under his breath. Hazmat Raccoon looked at Bean. "You, are very cute and very smol. Can I take you out for dinner sometime?"

As Steve had learned, Bean does not handle these situations very well. "HOW DARE YOU CALL ME CUTE YOU TRASH PANDA WHAT THE FUCK I AM FIFTEEN HOW COULD YOU THAT IS ILLEGAL ON SO MANY LEVELS I WILL- wait dinner? Am hungry can I has dinner?" Bean said.

Shane face-palmed multiple times. "You know these guys?" Hazmat Raccoon asked Steve. "I've spent almost twenty four hours with them," Steve replied.

"Do you trust them with your life?"

"No"

"Perfect," Hazmat Raccoon said.

"Excuse me what?" Steve said. Hazmat Raccoon slipped a bottle of scotch through the jail cell bars. "I asked you nothing thank you sir," Steve said, downing the bottle in two swigs. "I need you three for a covert operation. "Like spies?" Shane asked. "Yes my shaggy human comrade. Spies." Hazmat Raccoon said.

"Wooooo it's party time!" Steve yelled drunkenly, "what ya need us for yellow trash panda??" Hazmat Raccoon sighed.

"We recently discovered that there is a top secret missile silo hidden within The Void, and we need three completely expendable people to gather information from inside the void and get it to us.'

"I thought you said you can never return from the void," Steve said as he stumbled around the cell.

"We used to think so too, but it turns out that there is one way to escape the void," Hazmat Raccoon said, "But so far we haven't found a willing volunteer. At least not one that survived the water boarding interrogation".

"I'm down with entering a new dimension and possibly never returning," said Bean, who was trying to steal part of Shane's newspaper nest. "That's fine with me, as long as there's spaghetti," Shane said, smacking Bean away from his fortress. "Spaghetti will be provided,' Hazmat Raccoon said. "I am excited! Wooooo!" yelled Steve as he collapsed on the floor and threw up purple sparkles.

"Oh by the way Steve, your friend Dave was found dead in your pool today, half decomposed," Hazmat Raccoon said as he left.

"Goddammit Dave," Steve said, "Just had to ruin all the fun for everyone else".