The Planet of Retarded Possums And Other Majestic Shit

Genderqueer Wolfkin Opens The Void (It's Not In Their Vagina) Feat. Ads

oh my god I started writing this on 9/11.

After it was decided that the best course of action was to actually put some effort into their lives and get Bean out of the elevator shaft, the (not really) trusty band of adventurers had to discuss their mission.

Shane, who was the only person who kinda sorta not entirely cared about Bean, suggested venturing downstairs and opening the elevator doors there. However, after a while everyone realized that was a heck of a lot of stairs to walk down and no one was really motivated or athletic enough to do so (despite Genderqueer Wolfkin saying they were fit and healthy enough to do so). Steve suggested lowering someone down on a rope to collect Bean, but there wasn't a rope that long, even though the gang relied on Rusty's Trusty Ropes and Co. the greatest gosh darn rope company in the whole world, where no rope is too long.

Hazmat Raccoon suggested leaving Bean to die, because she was pretty short and couldn't really speak and also wasn't of much use to the group, but Shane wasn't having it.

"What if we got Bean to come to us?" Dr. Clarissa/Vicky said forty hours after the gang had begun discussing how to get Bean safely returned to them. "I don't think that would work, Bean's too stubborn," Shane replied, "besides she probably has no energy. She hasn't eaten in forever".

"Why do you guys even need her? I mean, I'm assuming it's a her I don't know Bean's preferred pronouns," The Genderqueer Wolfkin said.

"We are on a top secret mission to enter the void," Steve sai-

STEVE YOU FUCKING IDIOT ITS SUPPOSED TO BE A TOP SECRET MISSION AND YOUR LAZY ASS JUST HAD TO TELL EVERYON-

WAIT AS THE NARRATOR I HAVE BEEN INFORMED BY THE AUTHOR THAT THIS WAS MEANT TO HAPPEN AND I-

OKAY I AM NOW ALSO BEING INFORMED BY THE NARRATOR TO CALM DOWN

I CANT

MY VOICE IS STUCK IN CAPS LOCK. CAPS LOCK BROUGHT BY YOURS TRULY, MICROSOFT PC

*author sighs*

"Wow, I didn't know they still sent people to the void," Genderqueer Wolfkin mused.

"Wait, you know about the void?" Shane said, suddenly perking up.

"Yes, of course I do. As a test subject I used to get sent into the void a lot, in fact if I remember correctly, I also still know how to summon it," Genderqueer Wolfkin continued.

"We need you to open that damn void right now," Hazmat Raccoon chimed in. Dr. Clarissa/Vicky nodded, and Steve ran over to the elevator.

"Bean did ya hear that?! We're getting out of here!" Steve yelled down the elevator shaft, an elevator shaft with acoustics so good, it could only have been created by Earl's Engineer Store, where the finest bathtubs and elevators are created.

A faint squeak, resembling that of a small guinea pig, was heard echoing back up.

"Guys, we still have a problem, how are we getting her out?" Dr. Clarissa/Vicky asked.

"We'll just have to pray she can survive for now," Shane replied. With that, the group ventured downstairs, to the Super Secret Room That Nobody Is Supposed To Know About.

Steve and the others were in awe of the portal entrance that stood before them. "It's so cool," Hazmat Raccoon gasped.

"This my dear friends, is the entrance to the void," Genderqueer Wolfkin said.

"Let's get this shit done already!" Shane said, starting towards it.

"STOP" the Wolfkin jumped in front of Shane right before he reached the portal. "You can't enter the void yet! The portal is dormant!"

"What do you mean the 'portal is dormant', is there something wrong with it?" Steve asked.

"The portal to the void is a volatile space of negative energy and dimension bending science. Enter it when the portal is not at it's fullest power and you'll be sucked into the darkest depths of space!"

Everyone shuddered.

"Also I need to plug the power cord in"

Everyone shuddered a little less.

"Why do void's need power cords?" Steve said, doing what a possum does and biting through a strand of wire, wire now only 99 cents at WireDepot.com.

"The void only runs on diesel generated electricity, which is what powers this institute," Wolfkin replied. They plugged in the void. The void's entrance brightened a little.

"Now what?" said Shane, who was getting impatient, "how else do we open the void?"

"We must dance"

"Dance?"

"In party hats"

"That sounds pretty illogic-

"I said we're gonna dance around in fucking party hats you batshit cumguzzling possum fucker now put your damn party hat on"

"I don't have a party hat"

"They're in the cabinet behind you. No, no not there you fuck...no Shane for fucks sake they're behind those bottles of aci- Shane they are literally right in front you."

"I don't see them, oh wait you mean thes-

"OF COURSE I FUCKING MEAN THOSE SHANE YA DUMB TWAT THEY ARE LABELED 'MICKEY MOUSE FUNHOUSE PARTY HATS BY DISNEY AMERICA MADE IN CHINA' FOR CHRIST ALMIGHTY'S SAKE JUST WEAR THE FUCKING HAT AND DANCE"

The dancing commenced. It was very embarrassing. Not even  completely sure if anyone danced, but there was lots of falling. Genderqueer Wolfkin refused to dance to fun club music because it was "misogynistic and representative of crude humor and sexual culture".

So they had to dance to Fallout Boy, with Shane trying to hum along (and failing miserably), and Steve unable to even dance at all because Steve only knows how to grind, and Fallout Boy doesn't really put anyone in a sexy mood, not even Bean who gets turned on by almost anything.

Speaking of Bean, she was rolling around at the bottom of the elevator.

As the dancing continued, the portal glowed more and more and got bigger and bigger. Soon, it glowed a brilliant blue.

"I think it's time," Dr. Clarissa/Vicky said, "we have to go."

"What about Bean?" Shane asked worriedly, "she'll starve down there."

"Don't worry about her, I'll send her in after you guys," Wolfkin said.

"Send us a bottle of Jaeger while you're up to that," Steve said as he stepped into the portal. "Farewell retarded blue land whale."

"Bye Wolfkin, thanks for the help," Hazmat Raccoon said, entering the portal as well, a portal s cool it could only have been created by Martha Stewarts Home Portal Making Kit, now with free unlimited access to the secrets of the cosmos. Kathy from Idaho reviewed and said "This portal is the perfect, must have for any dinner party", and Gina from Maryland said, "Couldn't have a better portal in my home, stunning decorative piece, all my house guests love it".

"See you soon," Dr. Clarissa/Vicky waved, stepping into the portal and disappearing immediately.

Shane looked back at the elevator, and winced a little on the inside. "Promise me you'll get her to us safel-

EXCUSE ME NARRATOR HERE INFORMING SHANE YOU NEED TO CEASE THIS FAGGOTRY AND GET YOUR ASS IN THE VOID

Shane shrugged and looked at Wolfkin, "Please...keep her safe. I made her a promi-

I SAID CEASE IT

Shane sighed and stepped one foot through the portal. "By the way," he said, "I never got your name."

"It's Kimmy"

Shane shivered a little. It sounded familiar.

"Thanks Kimmy. See ya".

And with that, our heroes entered the void, finally, after three months of stalling.