The Planet of Retarded Possums And Other Majestic Shit

The Elevator Incident

Poor Bean was still trapped in the elevator. It had been three months since her sorry little ass had gone to chase after a mouse and had fallen into it. Somehow avoiding injury, she had fallen fifty three floors below and landed in the animal testing unit of the Institute. "Halp," said Bean.

Shane and Steve, who were above and didn't really care that Bean was stuck inside the elevator, stopped by every so often to lower ham sandwiches down to the small and helpless human beneath. It was a good thing that this elevator shaft had top notch acoustics, so even though Bean was hundreds of feet below, they could hear her just fine.

Sometimes that was a curse.

"Why the fuck is she still talking," Steve said grumpily one morning. Bean was singing the entire score to the Disney classic, Beauty and The Beast.

"I have no idea but it's Bean and she's very special needs so don't question it," Shane replied, as he licked blood off his knife.

"Where the fuck is all this blood coming from?!" asked Hazmat Raccoon, who was busy rifling through a fridge.

"Don't know, don't care," Shane said, continuing to lick. Bean started squealing.

"Da mouse is backkkk!!!!" she screamed. Everyone sighed.

"What happened to that sexy little badass I saw at the police station?" Steve asked.

"Bean goes through a lot of...how shall i say...moments..." Shane said. Then he hopped over to Steve and placed a knife over his throat, "Also, make one move on her, and her feisty little ass is the last thing you'll have to worry about".

Bean squealed more. "For God's sake shut her up," yelled one of the scientists. Shane picked up a large dictionary and dropped it down the elevator. A large thud was heard.

"Did you kill her?" asked Dr. Clarissa or Vicky or whatever the fuck her name was because the writer *cough cough* can't remember shit in the story.

"No, at least I don't think I did," Shane shrugged. At that moment, the ominous sound of the Supernatural opening theme was heard in the distance. The building shook.

"Are we having some kind of an earthquake?!" yelled Hazmat Raccoon.

The rumbling noise got louder. "Male cis scum," a voice echoed. "POC's should be represented more," the voice said again. Steve's eyes widened. His heart pounded. "Everything is rape culture," the voice said.

Steve froze in fear.

"ITS A TUMBLR BLOGGER," he screamed. Suddenly an alarm went off, and bight lights started flashing. An announcement came over on the PA system.

"Attention faculty it appears there has been a breach of the Tumblr barrier. Warning. Warning. Emergency alert. This is not a drill"

Chaos ensued. Lights flashed more, and scientists scrambled to their stations. Shane glanced down the elevator shaft, where more lights were flashing. "Dis es no good for my epilepsy," Bean said while she ate her sandwich.

Desks flew. Chairs crashed. Hazmat Raccoon hid inside a trash can with Dr. Clarissa/Vicky, and Steve and Shane pissed their pants in confusion. The PA system continued giving announcements.

"Group suicide on Level Three, group suicide on level three"