Band Self Harm Imagines

Josh Ramsay

I excused myself from the dinner table, walking through my appartement to the bathroom. I opened the door and stepped inside, seeing the interior of a room that had become much too familiar to me over the past year.

I walked silently across the floor to the toilet, purposefully avoiding glancing in the huge mirror that adorned the wall. Falling to my knees, I grabbed the toilet seat. I knew what I had to do, I'd been doing it every day. I pulled my hair away from my face, and placed a hand on my less-than-flat stomach. With a deep breath, I stuck my index finger down my throat, forcing myself to regurgitate everything in my stomach.

Several minutes later, I coughed and stood up. I hit the flush on the toilet, washed my hands, and rinsed out my mouth. I opened the bathroom door, jumping when I saw Josh standing just outside of it.

"Hey." I said, looking at the floor. I knew how disappointed he'd be if he knew. "Why aren't you in the kitchen?" I asked. He looked down at me. I could usually see his thoughts and emotions in his eyes. Right now, however, was one of the rare times when his clear blue eyes gave nothing away. He grabbed me roughly by the arm and pulled me into the bedroom, sitting down on the bed next to me.

We sat in complete silence for a while before he finally spoke. "Why?" He said flatly. I looked over at him. His face was still unreadable. I said nothing. "Why?!" He said, a little louder this time. I looked down at my hands, fidgeting in my lap. "Because I want to be beautiful." I whispered, tears running down my face. He put his finger underneath my chin, turning my head to face him. "You're already beautiful", he said, allowing a single tear to roll down his cheek.

"You're absolutely perfect." He pulled me in, pressing my head into his chest. "How long?" Josh mumbled into my hair. "Since the middle of the Beside You tour." My tears had stopped. All I felt now was emptiness.

Josh pulled me from the bed and into the bathroom he dragged me in front of the mirror and said almost angrily, "What do you see?" I looked at our reflection. "I see you. You're perfect and amazing. Then I see me. I see a girl who's too pale and fat and disgusting. And I don't know why you're standing next to me. I don't know why anyone would want to stand next to me." Josh sighed. "Do you want to know what I see?" He continued without waiting for an answer.

"I see me. And then I see you. I see the the most important person in my life. I see the only girl I've ever wanted to be with forever. I see the reason I smile when I wake up. I see you. And I think you're beautiful. Dammit, I think you're perfect." He smiled down at me. "And I promise to help you. Every single day. I know it's hard, I've been there. But I got through it. And now I'm here for you. I'm not leaving your side until you're better. I don't care if it takes years. Together, we can make it through." I turned and wrapped my arms around his waist, letting sobs escape my mouth as for the first time in years, I let myself cry