Band Self Harm Imagines

Jack Barakat & Alex Gaskarth

Alex thinks something's wrong when he wakes to the sound of Jack retching in the bathroom.

He's positive something's wrong the next day, when he catches Jack staring into the bathroom mirror and pushing his stomach flat.

"What are you doing? You're already skinny enough." Alex says, looking his boyfriend up and down. When he gets no response, he sighs and leaves. As soon as Jack is positive he's out of earshot, he too sighs and hangs his head. He drags his eyes sadly to the stomach he was flattening when Alex caught him. He's not pretty, and he's not beautiful. He's not flawless and he's definitely not the best Alex could get. His stomach rolls defiantly and he's almost in tears as he rolls his shirt up and tries desperately to flatten his stomach and make himself prettier; for Alex's sake more than his.

He slides two fingers down his throat and presses; presses hard until he gags and heaves out his insides into the sink. This is Jack's best trait, he's sure of it.

*

Alex starts to worry about Jack after the younger turns down sex and then leaves for Victoria's.

They'd been making out, and all Alex had tried to do was push up Jack's shirt so he'd take it off. Jack had reacted like he'd been shocked by electric; he flinched away and pulled Alex's hand as far away as he could physically get it. He then got up, grabbed shoes and a hoodie before mumbling about going to see Victoria and then leaving.

Alex's first thought was that Jack was cheating on him, but the tears in his eyes as he left confirmed that wasn't true.

"Vicky, I... I can't do this. I can't." Jack's sobbing into Victoria's shoulder and it's a horrible feeling.

"Jack, if he makes you feel this way - if he makes you feel like you have to change for him to love you - then there's an eighty percent chance he didn't love you in the first place." She replies, rubbing circles in his back.

He just cries harder.

*

Alex really starts to panic when Jack stops eating. They're at lunch together and once again, Jack has a barely touched coffee while Alex goes all out.

Alex looks at his boyfriend anxiously over a pot of microwaveable noodles. Jack stares blankly down into the creamy brown liquid in the cup before him.

"Jack, please eat something." Alex says, making the younger male look up from his coffee "You're scaring me."

Jack watches - almost in fear - as Alex pushes a yogurt and spoon across the table. He shakes his head.

"Jack, please." The younger shakes his head again.

"Jack, you're seriously scaring me now. You have to eat something. Even if I have to get Zack and Rian to pin you down. And don't say you're not hungry; you can't not be hungry for two days!" Alex is standing now, still around the opposite side. Jack hasn't moved, his huge brown eyes fixed upwards staring at Alex.

"And I know maybe you think you're fat and ugly or whatever, but you should know that I don't!" Alex is close to tears now.

"When I hug you I can feel your ribs. Do you have any idea how terrified that makes me feel?"

Jack looks down at his feet and shakes his head.

"Think of how scared you get before we go on planes and then multiply that by infinity."

Jack glances upwards at the elder, guilt fogging his vision. He finally stands and walks over to Alex.

"That's really scared." Jack says quietly.

"I know." Alex replies, his voice barely a whisper.

Jack's at a loss for what to do or say, so he's relieved when Alex speaks again.

"What on earth made you think you were fat in the first place?"

Jack looks at him nervously. He always knew that this discussion would happen, and he knows he has to tell Alex without sugar-coating everything.

"The fat jokes." He says quietly, hanging his head. And before he even registers their existence, there's a few tears slipping down Jack's cheeks. And then suddenly Jack is sobbing uncontrollably and wiping his eyes furiously with his jacket. He doesn't even look up when Alex touches his arm lightly.

"I was... I was going to stop when I could count my ribs without breathing in." Jack announces, fixing his gaze on his shoes, "I... I never got that far."

Alex sighs heavily and raggedly, sliding his hand down Jack's arm until their hands fall together. He absently raises a hand to Jack's chest but the younger swats him away lightly.

"Don't."

Alex looks at him quizzically and Jack doesn't look back at him.

"I'm not... I'm not pretty enough."

Jack fixes his gaze on something above Alex's head and the elder sees the full extent of the tears that track his cheeks.

Alex reaches up with his free hand and cups Jack's chin gently, forcing the younger to look down at him.

"Now, listen to me. Don't you ever think you're not good enough for me, or that you're not beautiful. If anything it's the opposite. Jesus Christ, Jack - you're so goddamn gorgeous, and it makes me feel so damn terrible knowing that me being an asshole made you feel this way. Like you're not worth it."

Alex is crying a little now, and it's mainly from guilt than anything else.

"You really mean that?" Jack asks quietly, raising Alex's chin slightly, "Everything you just said?"

Alex nods.

"Shit, Jack, you're everything. All I've got that I know will never leave. You're beautiful, gorgeous, stunning and I could stand here listing adjectives all day but I know you already get it. You have no idea how guilty I feel knowing I made you feel like that. Was it seriously just me and my stupid mouth and those stupid jokes I thought were funny?"

Jack bites his lip hard, and nods gently.

Alex sighs raggedly and guiltily again.

"I know... I know that it probably won't change a thing, but I take it back. All of the stupid pathetic jokes I made. I never meant to bring you down. Holy shit, Jack, I love you. And you're beautiful and funny and most definitely not fat."

Jack smiles weakly and doesn't move. Alex looks at him and returns a smile.

He steps towards him and for the first time in weeks, Jack doesn't move away.

He hugs Jack gently, and he's skinnier than Alex remembers but he can help him past that - he knows he can. Jack dips his head a little and kisses Alex, a small smile on his lips.

And it's then that Alex knows everything just might be okay.