Waiting To Exhale

Thirteen

School is a drag. We have a couple of tests coming up so all the teachers are going over some old stuff. I force myself to pay attention. I need to focus. Mason will just have to wait until after school. I can't fail these tests. My grades have to be perfect. I, nor Gabriel, can afford to send me to college. I want to go. And I'll need a scholarship to get there. It would help my case if I put in some community hours. I was too afraid before because my clothes were terrible and I didn't think they would want me working there. I'm black anyways so where ever I went probably would have thought I was on drugs or stealing or something. Now my only problem is I'm extremely shy. Plus I have really bad nerves. I'd probably just sit there all quiet and only talk when someone talks to me, my voice would crack and my hands would shake. I have every right to be like that. The world hasn't been so kind to me. In case you haven't noticed.

I don't want to be so afraid.

I'm just making excuses.

I'll talk to Anthony about it...wait I don't know how I'm going to do that without exposing my age. He might not be as magnanimous with me as Mason was.

At lunch, I eat with Jen, Frankie, and Kenyan. The two of them have warmed up to me. A little. The three of them start up a conversation, asking me questions every now and then to make me feel included. That's so nice of them.

"Umm Olivia, who is that guy that keeps looking over here at you?" Asks Frankie. Her Hispanic accent is thick. She points a finger at a boy across the room. He is definitely looking. It's like guys all of a sudden notice me now that I dress differently and have weave. He's probably just no longer afraid to sleep with me now that I don't look dirty. I look closer and immediately recognize him. Its Tre. Once upon a time, we use to go to the park together. We were just kids. Our somewhat of a friendship didn't last very long. He quickly figured out how messed up I was.

"He can't be looking at me. I'm not even pretty. He just wants to smash." I've been hanging around them so much I'm starting to pick up some of their slang. I lower my head and continue eating.

Kenyan rest a warm hand on my bare shoulder. "Okay so let him smash. Homeboy knows he fine."

"Don't listen to her." Jen says through her fit of laughter. "She a fool. Anyway...you think these boys didn't talk to you because you're ugly but the truth is no one wants a girl that dresses sloppy or doesn't keep their hair done."

"I didn't exactly have the money. I still don't. All my stuff is from your brother."

"So. He bought it for you so it's yours. If anything ever happens to y'all you better not let him take back the stuff he bought." We burst out laughing.

Maybe Jen is right.

It was just my clothes.

I'm not as ugly as I thought.

"Oh my gosh. He's coming over here." Kenyan squeals. She fixes her clothes and hair. Even though she looks good. Even before fixing up her appearance. I don't understand how pretty girls like her worry about such simple things like they really matter.

Tre sits across the table in front of me. Tre is very cute. He's on the schools football team. Star quarterback. No one can touch him (from what I've heard). His teeth aren't so crooked anymore. His braces are proving effective.

"Hi, Liv. We haven't spoken in a while-"

"Try six years." See? I'm picking up some of the girls habits. The three of them dismiss themselves from the table to give us some privacy. They act like I'm actually going to let him smash. I'm with Mason and he's all I need. I don't want any other guy but him. Jen should understand. I'm with her brother. You shouldn't encourage your brother's girlfriend to cheat.

"Look we grew up. I don't mean this in a bad or rude way but you didn't exactly dress clean. What was I supposed to do? I would have gotten bullied for being your friend. If you were my friend you wouldn't have wanted me to go through that." He does have a point. I can't be mad at him for that. I wouldn't wish half the stuff I went through or going through on my worst enemy.

"It wasn't like I could afford it. You know how I'm living."

"You look like your living good now," he looks me up and down with a lingering gaze, "Mason been taking care of you I can see."

I sit up straight in my seat. How does he know Mason? "How do you know Mason?"

"My brother Jerome down for him. We're cool." I hope he's not talking about the Jerome that came to my job and had a dot when I wouldn't give him any of my attention.

"Oh."

"I just wanted to say hey and compliment you on your new appearance. You look good. Really good. But...Mason is a grown man Liv. You have no business being with a creep like him. Hit me up when you realize that. I'll be here." Before I have the chance to think up something to say he walks off back to his table. We're in big trouble now. Tre could go to the police now that he knows Mason is an adult and I'm not. I font know what I would do if anything happened to Mason, especially if it's because of me. He's putting so much on the line to be with me. I do t want him to sacrifice his freedom. I'm not worth it and I know that.