Waiting To Exhale

Thirty-seven

We just got back from our trip and believe me I am tired. I had so much fun but the drive there and back was unbelievable. I decided not to go see Mason. I don't know if I can look at him after what I did. I went to a club, got drunk, and then had sex with another guy. I was so worried about him cheating on me that I went out and did exactly that to him. I had so much time to think about this. I need to get myself together because if Mason finds out what I did I'm a dead girl.

He already took a chance dating me in the first place. I'm underage and I could destroy his whole life. He doesn't need anymore problems from me.

Mason stepped back about me being friends with Anthony after he saved me but I'm sure he still has his suspicions and rightfully so. I'm not loyal. Mason is my first and only boyfriend. I need to do everything I can to make him happy. I don't want him to think I'm withdrawing myself from him because then he'll guess what's been up with me. I'm so scared of that man and the things he could be capable of.

I lay flat on my bed and stare up at the ceiling. I'm just glad Gabriel isn't home. I wonder how everything's been working out for him. I smirk. He's still the same man he always was. There's no changing him. He put me through so much carp and...

I don't even want to think about that right now. I'm better off not giving a carp. I got my own problems to worry about. I can't sit around waiting for him to fail over and over again. The man loves his liquor.

I don't know what time I fell asleep but when I wake up the room is pitch black. I scratch before getting out of bed and turning on the lights. I slip on my slippers and make my way to the kitchen. My growling stomach is quite demanding. If only it would listen when I tell it to shut up. As I'm making my way to the kitchen I notice the light on and I hear someone shuffling around in the kitchen. I turn the corner to find Gabriel hunched over in the fridge. He's taking out what little food was in there that's gone bad. He's cleaning out the fridge. Not a sight I would have ever expected to see. Still, cleaning out the refrigerator doesn't mean squat.

"You cleaning up?" I ask rhetorically.

He offers a small smile when he sees me. He mumbles something about it needing new food. I ask him how he expects to pay for that and I'm shocked to clearn he has a job. Apparently some woman from the church that's been helping him get sober out in a good word for him at some shipping company. Nice to know he didn't say a fast food restaurant. His story seems legit but I'm still not sure I buy it. I can't remember the last time this man had a job.

"I told you I'm trying to get better. I've had some slips here and there but I'm not going to change in a day. Rome sure as hell wasn't built. I'm trying the best I can right now and I know that's hard to believe right now," he gesture me to have a sit on the shaggy little green sofa in the front room so I do. I sit quietly as he continues, "when your mother left us I...it was hard. I tried to replay events or conversations we had over and over in my head until I could figure out where I went wrong. What she did was messed up but I still love her and I miss her everyday. I haven't been the best father to you and I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I was just so angry with her and it was easy for me to take my anger out on you. It was wrong of me. I'm so sorry. That's why I have to do better even though there's a chance I'm too late."

His voice cracks and the tears begin to fall. I can't say that I've ever seen this man cry. He looks so broken and small with his shoulders hunched over, shaking violently as the tears continue to fall, face burried in his large hands. My heart hurts seeing him like this. I want to believe he'll change but just because you want something so bad doesn't always mean you'll get it. He has to be trying. I just don't know if I can get past all the screaming and all the times he threw objects at my head or threatened me...the list goes on. This man has caused me so much pain. He destroyed my childhood.

He isn't the only one to blame for this though. Nikki left us. When people use to ask about her I'd tell them She died. I still do. Its just so embarrassing to know the woman that was suppose to love you and nurture you like no one else abandoned you. That you weren't good enough for her. That she was tired of you. That she didn't want the responsibility or wasn't capable of loving a part of her that has always loved her.

My life is never going to be normal. I use to wish or dream one day it would be but now I realise that's never going to happen.

"I really do hope you get better. And you may be right. It might be too late. I don't know yet it's too early to tell," I admit.

He clears his throat before speaking. "How was your trip? Did you have fun?"

"Yeah. It was great. The house was real big and beautiful too. There was a town close by." It feels weird to be telling him this. We have never say down and had a real conversation. I hope this is something I can get use to. This man out me through hell. But, I don't know if I can or even should forgive him or not. I can't ask Mason for help because he hates Gabriel. He'll get angry with me and tell me not to see him again. I want to make the decision on my own.