Waiting To Exhale

Twenty-eight

"Kenyan I can't go to a lake house." It sounds like a really good offer but I just don't think I'll be able to go.

"Why not? You need to get away." Jen points out. She is right. I have been going through a lot lately and the least I could do for myself is get out of this place and enjoy the luxury of a lake house. I have always wanted to go to one anyway. Oh, who am I kidding, I always wanted one for myself. I wonder if I would ever have the money to buy one. Probably not. But Mason does. With his drug money. I bet he has never had a real job in his life. His parents are probably filthy rich and gave him everything he ever wanted and he just wanted to know what it was like to sell drugs. He doesn't have to do it.

Sometimes he acts like he understands me but he doesn't. I'm always going to be "that poor girl." My mother left me and my father turned to alcohol and begin the abuse. He doesn't care about me at all. He doesn't even pretend to. After nearly sixteen years of my life I'm just now starting to make friends. Its because of Mason. No one wanted to be my friend when I looked and acted the part of a broken soul. Funny how people choose their friends based on what they have or how they dress. No, not funny at all. Its cruel. You can't always control the situation you're in. I use to be so angry with God. I use to tell myself he didn't care. I don't know if I still believe that.

I use to go to church all the time when I was a little girl. It was my only sanctuary. Sometimes I still miss it. I miss the feeling of being while. Maybe I've just been too ashamed to go. There is so much going on with me.

Come to think of it, I could use a little vacation. But first I need to get all this school work in check. I can't rest if my school work isn't done. My first priority is to graduate high school. Then if I can get a full-time scholarship for whatever college wants me. I'm not too picky. Nope, not picky at all. My situation doesn't really leave room for me to be that way.

"Let me talk it over with my dad and Mason first. Then I can give you an answer." I'm lying. I don't need to talk about anything with Gabriel. The girls don't know anything about my situation. Its not that I don't trust them. It's just too much and too hard to talk about. I would rather anyone that doesn't know to keep it that way. I don't need more people finding out about it. There's still so much I haven't even shared with Mason. Like I said, he would never understand. He can never understand me. He just cares about fixing me up and making me look the part of a drug dealer's girlfriend.

The girls seem to settle for my response. I tell them I'll catch them later and head off to class. On my way there I bump in to Tre. He tries to start a conversation with me but after the things he said, that's never going to happen.

The first thing I see when I walk into my history class is a big hash tag that reads: all lives matter.

I already know what today's discussion is going to be about. Lately there have been so many cases of black men getting killed in cold blood by white police officers. My history teacher is white so he can never understand. That hash tag should say black lives matter. I'm not saying they're the only lives that do but our race has faced so much hardship. It doesn't feel like it will ever end. In the last 48 hours there black men have been shot up by white officers in front of their kids. I saw it on the news. The man was pinned to the ground. There were two officers on him. What the hell? Every time a black person wants to say our lives matter some white person tries to join the conversation and say all lives matter. If that were true then our black men and women wouldn't be facing so much injustice.

It's hard being black but I wouldn't want to change my skin color of I could. I'm proud to be black. There are so many white people that want to steal our culture; wearing our hairstyles, dressing like us, getting tans, even paying thousands of dollars for their body to look like ours. But none of them want to stand up for us in a time like this. We deserve better. Now, I'm not saying I hate white people because I do realise that all white people aren't like that. It's just sad. The government is trying to put chains on our minds. They want us to be afraid. They want us to bow down to them but that's not going to happen. We will not be afraid.

"So class," Mr.Wells begin, "I'm sure you have all heard about those African-American men that were shot and killed. It is truly sad-"

"Yo what you know about that? You white. You have the nerve to write all lives matter but you need to earase that." Karim shouts. He's a big trouble maker. He like to sit in class all day and clown. This is the most I've ever seen him pay attention.

"I may be white but I do understand the situation." Mr.Wells says, trying to defend himself. He should just stop while he's ahead. There are a good number of black people in this class, surprisingly. It seems like the school system is always trying to separate us.

Karim sits up straight in his seat. He rubs his shaved head. I can already tell he has put some thought into this. "Nah, you will never understand. If you aren't white you will never completely understand the situation because you will never have to worry about if you or your dad or one of your brothers or cousin will be next. No white man has ever spit in your face and called you a nigga. Y'all don't understand."

"Can we just talk about something else?" Jacob ask. Jacob is a country boy through and through. He's one of those white people that think they have the right to use the 'n' word. He makes racist remarks all the time. As you can guess, not too many like him.

One of the girls stand up. I'm not sure what her name is. She's a pretty girl with really dark skin. She gets teased about it all the time. She's black. We come in all different shades. I personally think she has beautiful skin. I always have. "Hell no! I think we should talk about it. If you don't like it you can leave. We don't like you anyway."

"Shut up."

"She doesn't have to," Karim cuts in.

The girl continues to speak. "Y'all want to get so offensive when we talk about it. Choosing to brush the situation off is part of the problem. My brother was shot and killed in the presence of two white police officers. They tried to say he was resisting arrest, that he reached in his pocket and pulled out a gun. My cousin witnessed the whole thing. They threatened him to keep quiet about it. He didn't want to. It wasn't long before they got him too. I don't want to keep quiet. This Friday I think we should wear black shirts that day black lives matter. We have that right."

I completely agree. That sounds like a great idea. "I'm in." I say standing up, surprising not only myself but the rest of my fellow classmates.

"I'm in." Mary says. She's a tall white girl with a big heart.

"Me too." Another person stands up.

"So am I." It isn't long before majority of the class is standing. Jacob release a string of curse words. A couple other people are still sitting down. Its disappointing but you can't expect everyone to be on board. To care. This world is crazy. I need God in my life to protect me. What happened to that girls brother is terrible. It's time the world learns;

BLACK LIVES DO MATTER

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm sure all of you have been hearing about these cases. It's sad. It's awful. Racism needs to stop. Sure black people may act a little different but deep down we are all the same. We all bleed the same blood and our made are made the same.

It's time to get right with God. We need to be ready for his return. We are more than 3/5 of a person (read Jim Crow laws). Some people are afraid to discuss this stuff in school or anywhere but you have a voice. We don't have to riot but we do have to say something. Pray every night. Ask God to continue to protect you. This is not his will.

#blacklivesmatter
#justiceforsandra
#altonsterlin
#philandocastile
#justiceforall
#alllivesmatter