Waiting To Exhale

Twenty-six

   I finish stuffing my clothes in my bag. It feels good to finally get out of that hospital gown. I may be okay enough to go home but emotionally I'm far from okay. I have barely been getting any sleep lately. All I see when I close my eyes is Alfonso on top of me. Taking advantage of me. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to sleep peacefully again. I don't know why I haven't told Mason yet. He deserves to know. According to him, I've been acting differently. And, I have. I flinch when he tries to touch me. I shouldn't. He's not the one that put me in this hospital. It's not his fault. I bet he thinks it is. I shouldn't make him feel like that. I've been lying about not remembering anything that night. If I say I do they'll want to know what. I'm not a good lier.

   Mason comes from the bathroom and grabs my bag. I shut the door on our way out.

   "I'm so glad you get to come home. Now you can start moving in. I'll feel better when you're safe up under my arms," Mason says. He wraps an arm around me. I quickly remove it.

   "My shoulder feels kind of sore." I lie. I hope he's buying what I'm selling. "Mason I need to talk to you."

   "What is it?"

   "I can't talk about it here. Your place will be better."

   "It's your place too." I don't say anything. I can't move in with him if he is selling drugs. I love him but I can't be with a drug dealer. If he goes to jail behind that I don't know what I will do.

   The drive to his place seems a lot shorter than I remember. We sit down on the couch. Mason waits patiently for me to start talking. I just have to come right out and ask. "Do you sell drugs?" The look on his face tells it all. I should have known this was too good to be true. How else could he have so much money on his own? I was dumb and naive for believing he made his money legally. "You do! You're a drug dealer!" I stand up from the couch.

   "Who the hell told you that? Huh? Who told you that?"

   "Wow. That doesn't even matter. You sell drugs. What am I supposed to do if you get locked up? If someone kills you over this?" I ask.

   "Yes, I do. It's no big deal. I'm not doing this for the rest of my life, just until I get enough money saved up." I don't say anything. I don't know what to say. Mason is getting frustrated. I should be the only one frustrated. He kept something like that from me. I'm his girlfriend. I should have known. He walks over to the wall and punches it a couple of times. I jump. He's acting scary. I'm scared. Maybe asking him was a bad idea. "Don't go acting all upset. I didn't hear you complaining when you were using up my money. I bet you think you can just string me around now. I brought your confidence up and I can bring it back down. I gave you all of this. I paid for it with my drug money."

   "Mason-" I can't believe the words that are coming out of his mouth right now.

   "Don't! Anthony found you on the bathroom floor. I want to know what you were doing in there. Why did he feel the need to follow you? You cheating on me?" He questions. His voice is low and seething with anger. Tears pour from my eyes. I know how he can get when he thinks I'm cheating on him. "You think you can play games with me and not get hurt?"

   "Mason stop talking like that."

   "I'm not taking orders from you. Maybe that's why you won't let me touch you. You over there feeling all guilty for what you did." Oh, God. I knew I should have told him. I should have said something as soon as I remembered. I made it so easy for him to believe I'm cheating on him. He was looking for reasons to validate his assumptions. I made it so easy.

   "That's not what happened."

   He storms over to me and pushes me down on the couch. His large frame hovers over me. His face is only inches from mine. He's no better than Gabriel.

   "So you do remember? You've been playing us all along. Get up."

   "What?" My voice is hoarse.

   "Get up!" I don't want to make him even more upset than I already have. I do as he says. "Take off your clothes."

   "Mason-"

   "Now!" He orders more sternly. He's scaring me. My heart is racing and the tears keep on falling. I slowly begin to take off my clothes. I fumble with the buttons. My hands are shaking violently. Here I stand in the middle of the living room, completely bare. I feel ashamed. This is embarrassing.

   "Mason I didn't cheat on you. He took advantage of me. I would never cheat on you."

   His face softens only slightly. "Who? Anthony?" I shake my head. "Then who?"

   "His name is Alfonso. I-I know him from school. He followed me in there."

   "You're such a liar. I want you to stand here until I say to move. You get up and I'll beat the shit out of you." He's not bluffing. He has put his hands on me before and even though he promised to never do it again, I wouldn't put it past him. Mason is not the guy I fell for. I don't know what I got myself into. I just wanted to be loved. I wanted someone to look at me and really see me. I wanted to get away from Gabriel. Mason gave me that. He gave me an escape. Because of him, I have friends. I have people that visit me in the hospital. I have nice clothes to wear and he gives me money. I have never had those things before I met him.

   I have also never felt so humiliated before in my life.