Waiting To Exhale

Twenty-nine

"Alright, settle down class. No need to get carried away."

"Actually we're not getting carried away at all." I speak again.

"Dang girl. This the most I ever heard you talk." Karim says to me. I were a couple shades lighter my cheeks would have been rosy red right now. "Good job Olivia." Good job? What, does he think I'm a kid? Good job?

I decide to let that comment go. Best not to get on anyone's bad sad if I can help it. I have a clear understanding of what happens for me when I do.

The debate goes on for the rest of the class. I put my input on occasionally but I made sure to keep my answers short and to the point. I didn't want to draw any unwanted attention. In my next few classes my teachers touch on the subject. I only have two black teachers. They said all the right things but of course people still got offended by some of the statements the kids were making. There's always going to be someone that doesn't agree. Some even think racism doesn't exist anymore. I don't understand how people can be so ignorant. Racism does exist. It just exist in a different form these days. One of my teachers went on YouTube and pulled up this girl, BabyJ, who spoke about it. She made some good points, saying that racism is now a form of mind control.

A lot of people no longer express their hatred against black people by hosing us down or keeping us from going in certain building or having to use separate water fountains. They have embeded in some of our minds that lighter skin is better. As BabyJ stated, it comes out when that little girl looks in the mirror and wishes she had lighter skin, or feeling pressured to straighten your hair to get a job, or walking in a store and getting ugly glares and then being followed around.

Racism is a big problem in America. If your skin isn't black I don't think you will be able to fully understand or know what it's like. If you are someone that tries to ignore the problem or look for a reason to blame the victim then you are part of the problem. If you are white and you get offended when talking about racism...you are part of the problem.

This whole situation is making my head hurt. I just can't take it.

It's lunch time now and I'm just ready to eat. I never in a million years thought that I would ever be looking forward to lunch. I use to hide out in the bathroom drawing. I haven't gotten to draw in so long feels like. Joe bought me a new sketch book and color pencils for my birthday but I haven't gotten around to using them yet. It seems like lately I just don't have time for myself. Maybe that's something I can get back to at the lake house. There's a chance that I'll even get some well needed and we'll over-do rest.

"This stuff is crazy. All this racist crap. All those people killed in police custody." Kenyan speaks up. We all nod.

"Can we just talk about something else right now? It's just that I had to raise my voice and get angry at so many of the nasty comments. They really want me to get suspended." Jen can be such a clown at times.

"I hear you." For the rest of lunch we talk about a bunch of random things. When lunch is over we return to our classes. I mostly stare at the clock until school ends. I wish I didn't have to stay after school but I really do need to catch up. I missed two test and the start of a new lesson in science. Our classes move pretty fast. Sometimes we start and finish a whole lesson in two days. They expect us to learn and remember all that stuff that fast.

I take all of my work and open it up. The notes are easy to read so it doesn't take me long to figure out. When I do need help I just raise my hand and a teacher comes by to help.

I can barely concentrate with Tre staring at me. After what happened with Alfonso, he's making me very uncomfortable. I just can't stop wondering who's going to try to get me next. Every time a guy looks at me I get nervous, and not the kind of nervous you're thinking about. More like the kind of nervous you get when everyone's pressuring you into something you don't want to do but you want to fit in even though it's dangerous. Maybe that was a bad example. Its more like standing by a pool when you're completely petrified of the water. I don't know if I'm making sense. I just wish he would stop staring at me. I would rather he say something mean and hurtful.

I fight with everything in me to keep from looking at him. I don't want to meet his stare. Its creepy. He probably thinks I'm trying to sneak glances at him. I kind of an but only to see if he's still watching me.

I finish my work as quickly and as fast as I can. I hand in my work and scurry out the door. Jen isn't going to be able to pick me up. She says she has something important to do, which means she's about to catch a body. She nasty. I love her though. Instead I call up Anthony. He picks up right away. When I ask him for a ride he tells me Its no problem and that he's on his way. I thank him before hanging up.

"Does Mason know you taking rides from other dudes?" I nearly jump out of my skin at the sudden sound of Tre's voice cutting through the silence. I whip my head around.

"Who I get a ride from is none of your business so stay out of mine," I bark.

"I'm guessing that would be a 'no.' I know what kind of guy Mason is. He's violent. He use to date my sister. He broke her so badly. Does he do it to you too?"

"I don't know what you're talking about?"

"Does he pressure you to have sex with him? Hit you? Does he make you feel like it was all your fault afterwards? He make you feel real special doesn't he?" Tre ask.

My heart is pounding in my chest. How could he know that? How many girls has Mason done that to? "No!" I lie. There's no way I'm telling Tre any of my business. It's none of his concern. We aren't friends. We don't talk.

"It's not your fault. You are special and you don't need him to tell you that."

"Oh and you are?"

He sighs. "Look, what I said earlier...just forget about it. I don't know what I was thinking. Liv, we use to be friends. I never stopped caring about you. I'd do the same for anyone I knew that was dating Mason. I don't want anyone else to end up like my sister."

I'm thankful when Anthony pulls up. I didn't know how much more I could take. A part of me wants to spill everything. But I can't do that to Mason. He made some mistakes. He apologized. He loves me. I have gained so much because of Mason. I finally know what love is. Tre doesn't know what he's talking about.

I hop in the car and Anthony drives off. He ask me if I'm okay. I brush it off by telling him I'm fine. I'd rather forget what Tre said to me.