Anything But Perfection

Silent Apologies (12)

Sleep would not come. No matter how hard I tried to sleep, no matter how hard I attempted to forget, it wouldn’t happen. Three days had passed but my mind was still fixed to his confession, day and night. I had absolutely no other thing in the world to do other than lie on my luxurious room’s floor, stare up at the blue ceiling and get lost in my thoughts.

I was all alone, was the thought that dominated my brain.

I was alone in every single way. I had no family, I had left my husband and I was all alone in a New York hotel room feeling utterly devastated like it was the end of the world. For me, it probably was. Anger, regret, insecurities, misery and hopelessness ran down both of my cheeks in the form of tears, every now and then. I just sat there and wept my heart out. Life had been too hard on me.

I missed my parents. I missed how my mother used to prepare my breakfast every morning. I missed how my father would call for me when he got home from work. I missed my brother Kevin and his humorous ways. I even missed Jeremy - the sweet Jeremy who used to lightly kiss me whenever he got the chance.

The Jeremy I fell in love with, who treated me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world, like a queen. Who gave me everything without knowing and the Jeremy who couldn’t live without me.

But things changed. The greatest tragedy of life. You sit there and live the same life everyday and you get so attached to it, you never, for even one second, wonder what it would be like if it was gone. You never prepare yourself for change and when it comes it hits you like a freaking cyclone.

I was sprawled on my bed, the television blaring loudly, which I wasn’t concentrating on and my eyes were red and puffy. I rubbed my eyes furiously in an attempt to overcome the hazy state I had become. I felt hungry but the thought of food nauseated me, the thought of vomiting made me even more disgusted.

Of course, I was overacting. My husband, who had promised to love me forever, had cheated on me.

“Why would he?” was the million dollar question. And I was to proud to call him and ask. I had been ignoring all of his attempts to talk. I didn’t want to hear any pathetic excuse he had to give. I was done being with him, done feeling so lonely. Even if it meant, being alone, I would have to be alone. The mere thought of him had me at the verge of tears again.

Did I not love him enough?

Was I demanding too much?

Was Candice better?

Did he not love me anymore?

The window of my room gave a spectacular view of New York and, of course, brought back memories. I remembered that Jeremy’s Aunt Helen, lived here with her children. She was a sweet woman whom I had met at graduation I remembered his apartment where he lived with his older cousin. I remembered the house his parents left to him and the crazy parties he threw there, where he proposed to me.  

With every passing day, it all felt like a bad dream – like it had never happened. And sometimes I wasn’t even sure that it did happen, like Jeremy had always been by my side and he had never cheated and that we were both living happily together. It all felt like a delusion now. The images from that day had blurred. The emotions I had felt and was feeling, however, were still vivid.

Sometimes, I’d wake up in the morning and expect to find Jeremy’s body warmth at my side but it never happened. Because we were miles apart, by heart and distance.

My phone starting ringing jerking me from my daydreams. I sat up, rubbing my eyes and looked around stupidly. It took me a moment to realize that my phone was in my purse, which was on the coffee table. I stumbled out of bed, almost falling in my haste. I was wearing short white shorts and an oversized blue shirt. My hair were an absolute jumble which I had secured on the top of my head in a messy bun but I didn’t care, no one was here to see me and my dreadful state.